Have you ever felt frustrated with someone but not over anything you feel like you can bring up? The issue never gets resolved and you're left praying the problem just disappears over time like a pimple. And who knows why you can't talk to them, the problem is too minor, the person is too major, whatever. It never really matters in the end what the issue was or what is holding you back from vocalizing it, it sucks all the same.
I am not afraid of confrontation. I just don't like to resort to that til it is the last viable option. I think it is normal to feel ashamed of our feelings of annoyance and frustration towards others. Especially the closer they are to you. No one likes being mad at someone they are usually elated to be around. Or maybe it is just me. Most people I know are shorter tempered than I and have no problem showing anger when they feel extreme emotions. But I feel bad, even when I am legitimately livid at a situation or person, when I show my rage outwardly. Like I don't have the right to get angry for some reason.
It is odd how my attitude shifts the less and less I care about you. That sounds terrible, but it is true. I am much more likely to tell someone I just met or don't know that I am pissed off at them than Mr. Prez or Tody. That's usually when people know I am done with them in my life when I can guilt free go off on them for everything I feel was unjust. Maybe it was the years of cycling through friends like they were fashion trends in grade school that has made me so timidly loyal today. I couldn't keep a best friend to save my life growing up, partially because the second I felt wronged I lashed out unproportionately worse right back. Or I would just self sabotage myself before that person could hurt me. Then something snapped around my senior year and all my relationships in my life took a complete 180.
Which is not bad, I am working on 3 years being part of a crazy/wonderful duo with Tody, and the spectacular Mr. Prez and I met 2 years ago next month. E is still going strong and I have a wonderful support system of friends here around me that I periodically add to. I haven't lost a friend since I tried living with one, and that's ok. I've found someone who can handle my crazy and still enjoy my company. So I guess I should just stop being mad and remember that more often.
I am not afraid of confrontation. I just don't like to resort to that til it is the last viable option. I think it is normal to feel ashamed of our feelings of annoyance and frustration towards others. Especially the closer they are to you. No one likes being mad at someone they are usually elated to be around. Or maybe it is just me. Most people I know are shorter tempered than I and have no problem showing anger when they feel extreme emotions. But I feel bad, even when I am legitimately livid at a situation or person, when I show my rage outwardly. Like I don't have the right to get angry for some reason.
It is odd how my attitude shifts the less and less I care about you. That sounds terrible, but it is true. I am much more likely to tell someone I just met or don't know that I am pissed off at them than Mr. Prez or Tody. That's usually when people know I am done with them in my life when I can guilt free go off on them for everything I feel was unjust. Maybe it was the years of cycling through friends like they were fashion trends in grade school that has made me so timidly loyal today. I couldn't keep a best friend to save my life growing up, partially because the second I felt wronged I lashed out unproportionately worse right back. Or I would just self sabotage myself before that person could hurt me. Then something snapped around my senior year and all my relationships in my life took a complete 180.
Which is not bad, I am working on 3 years being part of a crazy/wonderful duo with Tody, and the spectacular Mr. Prez and I met 2 years ago next month. E is still going strong and I have a wonderful support system of friends here around me that I periodically add to. I haven't lost a friend since I tried living with one, and that's ok. I've found someone who can handle my crazy and still enjoy my company. So I guess I should just stop being mad and remember that more often.
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