The Elephant's Trunk

My Kids

2012-01-12T13:05:00.000-08:00

Ever since New Year's Eve when my kids met Tody they have been obsessed with asking me about him.

It's so nice knowing that my awesome kids think Tody is great too. It makes having double work nights easy. Although working there is a lot more interesting than our nights alone. My artsy-fartsy mini me was amazing at light painting. Tody and I want to adopt her onto our light painting team. She gives such a fresh perspective to our shots.

I really do watch the greatest kids ever. They are so sweet and honest and intuitive. They are curious and idealistic yet have this sarcastic mature view on life. They have a really strong single mom who gives them everything she has to give. And I think that makes them an incredibly tight-knit little family.

Kellan is my little assassin. He's going through a violent streak conveniently as he is also going through a super-freaking-adorable phase. Who can be mad at that little face?

He's quite the bad ass. Listening to him sing along to Young, Wild, and Free made me almost pee my pants. Being the youngest of three is a blessing in disguise. He's going to be the coolest kid in school once he finally starts. He can pick up any nerf gun and instantly know how to use it... and shoot me in like 3 seconds.

I love being a nanny. I can get my little kid fix while staying financially free during my 20s.

Random

2012-01-09T17:28:00.000-08:00

So I have taken up crocheting. I used to like to knit, but I grew out of that little hobby. It seemed easier for me to carry around a little hook instead if big needles. And Mr. Prez also sort of pushed me to it. But it is relaxing. I haven't been able to create anything even remotely usable yet... but I'm hanging in there. Youtube is an amazing tutorial resource.

I hung out with the family last night. We got some cool pictures and had some great laughs.

It's been an interesting past couple of days. I'll have more to say tomorrow probably. I'm just enjoying the randomness of life quietly for right now.

Check out more great pics from that night!

Making Some Changes

2012-01-08T12:41:00.000-08:00

So it is a new year. I don't like when people go with the mantra "new year - new me", it just irks me. Why so much change? It's hard enough to remember that I need to date everything '12 and not '11 anymore. And supposedly this is the last year ever? Pshhh.. Life goes on.

But I have found myself making changes in 2012, although I would like to think those changes started before that. It is just now all showing results and amping me up to keep going. I didn't make any resolutions this year because the word confuses me. Re Solution... that implies your first solution to whatever problem you had didn't work, and you need to re think that and make a new solution. And we are supposed to implement that solution at midnight of the new year to make the rest of the year better than the last. To solve whatever was broken and wrong with the last year...

Well I have many issues. And I am constantly trying to fix them and come up with solutions and re solutions (so to speak)... That is part of my day to day life. So I didn't see the point in one big sweeping gesture to sum up my goals for the upcoming year.

But I guess if I had to make one underlining goal for the year : Be Relentless.
I have a lot of shit to get done this year, I can't stop for a second. I keep finding new inspiration and new motivation. 2011 is in the past, and although there was so much amazingness jammed into those 365 days, I have another 365 days to concentrate on and go farther in.

I'm A Sponge

2011-12-28T04:08:00.000-08:00

So I have fully given up on my online aversion. Semi forced at first, but now I am drunk from the free flowing creativity that seeps from every new site I find. Tody likes to call me the social networking Queen. It comes naturally to me. I find it a little stressful to keep up with. Every site is like its own puzzle that I have to crack. I search to find the perfect sequence of steps that gets me the most out of each different site. I try to minimize my fluff time... as I think of it. I've had to really cut back on surfing gawker sites and random shops unless I am pinning. Or making treasuries. It's been difficult trying to stay focused all the time but you have to if you want to have time to make an impact. You need the best pics, the funniest quotes, the most insightful tweets, the most interesting updates, the trendiest tags, ect... Every online interest have its own subcultural that comes along with a whole community and demographic. As an artist and an entrepreneur it is becoming increasingly important for me to learn how to please all of these people that I never knew existed before.

I have always been a local girl. And I still hold that very dear to me. I love my home and firmly believe in supporting local businesses and putting effort and care back into the community that raised you. But I am starting to find artists all over the world that I look up to and find inspiration from. I listen to a podcast from Tennessee. I am completely in love with blogs from the east coast and the UK and I have been drooling over Esty shops from all over the world. There are like minded artists everywhere that I can learn from.

And that's what I have been doing... Learning. Lately I have been really looking up on branding. It is not my strong point. I need to work on it. And hopefully over the next few weeks I will really make strides in making all my sites align and be coherent in my branding and style. It's a huge process and I really have to stay vigilant. I can't let myself surf, I can't let myself get discouraged by no comments or no likes.

But that is hard.

I Feel Out Right RAGE-ous

2011-12-22T08:43:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt frustrated with someone but not over anything you feel like you can bring up? The issue never gets resolved and you're left praying the problem just disappears over time like a pimple. And who knows why you can't talk to them, the problem is too minor, the person is too major, whatever. It never really matters in the end what the issue was or what is holding you back from vocalizing it, it sucks all the same.

I am not afraid of confrontation. I just don't like to resort to that til it is the last viable option. I think it is normal to feel ashamed of our feelings of annoyance and frustration towards others. Especially the closer they are to you. No one likes being mad at someone they are usually elated to be around. Or maybe it is just me. Most people I know are shorter tempered than I and have no problem showing anger when they feel extreme emotions. But I feel bad, even when I am legitimately livid at a situation or person, when I show my rage outwardly. Like I don't have the right to get angry for some reason.

It is odd how my attitude shifts the less and less I care about you. That sounds terrible, but it is true. I am much more likely to tell someone I just met or don't know that I am pissed off at them than Mr. Prez or Tody. That's usually when people know I am done with them in my life when I can guilt free go off on them for everything I feel was unjust. Maybe it was the years of cycling through friends like they were fashion trends in grade school that has made me so timidly loyal today. I couldn't keep a best friend to save my life growing up, partially because the second I felt wronged I lashed out unproportionately worse right back. Or I would just self sabotage myself before that person could hurt me. Then something snapped around my senior year and all my relationships in my life took a complete 180.

Which is not bad, I am working on 3 years being part of a crazy/wonderful duo with Tody, and the spectacular Mr. Prez and I met 2 years ago next month. E is still going strong and I have a wonderful support system of friends here around me that I periodically add to. I haven't lost a friend since I tried living with one, and that's ok. I've found someone who can handle my crazy and still enjoy my company. So I guess I should just stop being mad and remember that more often.

Forever Procrastinating

2011-12-21T16:27:00.000-08:00

I have been painting all of these drawings. ...slowly... Very very slowly it seems. I can't seem to paint very fast. Especially not with watercolors. I can think of a drawing in a split second, and usually get it on paper in a day or so, but getting it colorful takes so much time. And it usually doesn't turn out how I envisioned it.

Sometimes I have ruined my piece and other times I have made something spectacular I never knew I could create. It's pretty much just a blind gamble half the time.

But I make it time and time again. The kids I watch have been watching me draw and now paint these and they are teasing me more and more as the time passes and I haven't finished even one. I just can't seem to get them right. I get frustrated with the water amount or the color, or the runny ink, whatever. Then I move on to something else to distract myself. So it's like I take baby steps each night on all my pieces and in the rare occurrence I actually complete one the elation is overshadowed by the looming pile of unfinished works.

I've been in the worst mood lately. These headaches have sadly gotten the best of me I am afraid. I think it might be time for me to visit the Dr again. Mommy Dearest gave me her Discount Prescription card so I can get something for my migraines that's more affordable. So hopefully my Imatrex wont break the bank.

I'm trying to stay on top of things. But it's really difficult taking care of everything in my life and with my growing business when I have to take what seems like constant breaks to ice my neck and lay down in the dark. It makes for a cranky artist, girlfriend, partner, and cook... I'm sorry guys.

It May Not Look Pretty, But It's Special

2011-12-19T01:01:00.000-08:00

Thank you to Tody for uploading my paper experiment pictures! Pretty sure these were with his fixie lens (as I like to call it). My paper is drying slowly in my living room. I can't wait to make cards out of some of it.

There are two sheets that are just too thin to do much with. I don't know, I will have to find something special for them. The thicker paper turned out better because after I pretty much stood on it with a Sham Wow and a book on top to get more water out it has flattened out quite a bit and it's perfect for making cards. All I will have to do it mount them on a nice piece of index paper or card stock. I might even use just plain old construction paper if it dries strong enough.

I think business cards on homemade paper would be so interesting. Certainly something to try. I'm definitely not giving up on paper making. Although I have plenty of new ideas for how to make it go smoother next time. I went the cheapest route possible this time and if I put in a little more effort with the construction of my paper mold/mesh thingy the whole process would go smoother.

I tried my damnedest to keep my kitchen mess free this time, I used a lot of news paper to shield my table from paper pulp splatters. But of course since it was a Kona & Tody production it was still a mild disaster. My beloved blender - may he rest in peace - is now making mango margaritas in blender heaven. So my paper making experiments have to be put on hold until I find another one.

But I am super excited for the paper I have to completely dry. They aren't bright or all that pretty to look at yet. But they are earthy and interesting and will make great backgrounds. Stay tuned :)

Now You See Me, Soon You Won't

2011-12-17T08:29:00.000-08:00

So I realized I never gave you guys a finished picture of my hair. After all that complication with Tody I ended up fixing it all myself, and I didn't get around to taking pictures until much later. So here I am!

That's date me, and below is at work me... There's a huge difference. I don't think the pups care what I wear or how pretty my hair is, so I don't usually even give myself that much time before work. I have too much going on here online these days. It's severely cut into my in front of the mirror time. And my laundry time, and my apt cleaning time... I have been seriously slacking off. But it is so hard to juggle adult life and my child like need to create. But I am managing. Somehow, for now.

Tody and I made paper yesterday. And just as I predicted it did not go as planned. But I have 4 sheets of one of a kind, handmade paper drying in my living room. So we'll see if it was worth it. If they don't turn out good I really will be heart broken. I will have given up my beloved birthday blender for nothing. So hopefully something magical will come of these brownish grey sheets.

I'm working on listings for my Shop today. I don't walk pups this weekend so hopefully that will leave me open to be insanely productive, We'll see...

Shrooming

2011-12-16T07:39:00.000-08:00

I'm not high, I swear. I'm just feeling a little extra appreciative of natures cute little fungi today. I've been noticing tons of little mushrooms everywhere when I'm walking my pups. And they make for interesting macro shots. I like the slight bokeh I get from my point and shoot lens.

It's nothing compared to Tody's new lens though. He got it yesterday and he shot some cool Christmas bokehs! Check them out. He's going to bring it over today to document our paper making experiments. I can't wait.

I have been trying to think of ways I can integrate my drawings and doodles into my upcycling shop and I think I finally found a way. I want to start making my own paper! I've found an awesome tutorial on Youtube that I want to try and we'll see if this is something else I can add to my craft collection. I'm excited. Making paper looks so fun, and the possibilities are endless, which is what attracted me to the idea in the first place. You can use anything to make your own paper; cardboard, newspaper, fabric, bark, seeds, grass, paint, glitter, cards, magazines, pictures, yarn, tin foil, tissue paper, dried leaves, flowers, even dirt! You can use anything that can be blended. You can put literally anything you can think of in your concoction to give it new texture and color. I find that fascinating! I love experimenting.

Who knows, I might make some really earthy paper and put some dried mushrooms in it and call it Shroom Paper!

So that's what Tody and I will be up to today. Hopefully there will also be time for some online work too. I have to hook up my printer/scanner so I can get going on changing up the Blog. I have been hard at work lately hand drawing buttons and banners and whatnot to update the site. I want the Blog to match up better with my Etsy shop. But it's a long arduous process. And I'm discovering typography may not be my strong suit, however much I love it. And no matter how many times Mr. Prez and Tody tell me I should really be doing this all on the computer, I don't care. I am lost when it comes to Photoshop. If I can't make it in the camera RAW editor then I don't know how to do it. That is all I do to my photos... I barely open Photoshop, I am a Bridge girl.

So check back soon! I will have a - probably amusing - post about our paper making adventures up as soon as I can. I'm sure it will be more messy, loud, eventful, fun, and even more complicated than I'm expecting. Who knows... maybe we'll try our hand at our own photo tutorial for paper!

It Ain't That NewNew

2011-12-15T09:15:00.000-08:00

So as promised! Here is some art. Not really new. Although it is new to most of you. Tody finally scanned some of my sketches so I could start getting them online. I'm thinking about getting some of them printed so I can frame them in some upcycled frames and sell them through my Etsy!

They were going to be the start to my Tumblr, but I had a different idea that will lend itself better to that layout. Hopefully that will be up and running either this evening or tomorrow. I'm hoping to get it done today since it is my short day with the pups and tomorrow I have art plans with my partner in crime.

Which if you haven't seen our latest pictures, check them out! They turned out amazing and it was a blast to go to our old elementary school and run around in the dark. It was great being there with Tody since that used to be our exact stomping grounds! That's where we met. That's where the dynamic duo first began, although back then we were not as close and it was more about causing destruction and less about adding beauty. It actually wasn't until after we had graduated that Kona & Tody were born and we discovered we were meant to make art together.

Tody is getting his new lens soon. He got an early Christmas present; a 50mm f/1.8 lens.. Can you tell I copied and pasted that from his facebook? I have no idea about lenses, or camera's, or anything technical. I would be lost without him and Mr. Prez. You know, that's probably why I am so attracted to technical people. That is where I am significantly lacking. That is why my job fits me so well. No batteries required!

Except in my point and shoot, which I almost always take on my walks. There is so much to see outside, but I usually find myself shooting my dogs. Some of them I just find beautiful and it's like they were meant to be behind my lens.

Tody and I decided the Sidehounds I walk are amazing. They are so sweet and gentle and amazingly handsome dogs. They don't bark that often and they just look like they came straight from a movie set. They walk tall and sit pretty like show dogs. They make my work day go by super fast. Our walks always seem just a little too short.

So new new stuff soon! I found a printer with a scanner, so hopefully the time between getting a piece finished and getting it on the computer will shorten. It needs to! I have drawings from almost a year a go I still haven't found the time to scan. I need to get on it.
Love you guys!!

Sitting In Front of The Fire

2011-12-11T07:36:00.001-08:00

...not really. I'm sitting with my feet against my small space heater. It's freezing this early in the morning! I don't want to go in my warm bed with my warm Mr. Prez though... I won't want to get out of it in an hour or so for work! I know myself. So it's just safer to stay up when I get home from my night job until I have to go to work again. And I just couldn't will myself to go to the store this morning for creamer or juice or anything, so I don't have anything to drink, but hopefully that will force me to leave early for work to grab something...

I made jewelry with the kids I watch last night. It was fun. It was a little over the 4 year old's head but he liked my sparkly plastic beads I had left over from some past Relay For Life event. I've been trying really hard to bring more art over to my night job. I need to utilize all the extra time I have now that I have my shop up and running. I need to be constantly producing and experimenting and creating. And it will be good for me.

Usually once I get past the initial laziness of not even grabbing my stuff to take with me it's pretty easy to make myself work when I have it. But now even that is getting hard. I have a pretty cushy job, most night's I don't even see the kids I'm getting paid to watch. They are already in bed for school in the morning. I only see them two nights a week most normal weeks. So you would think with all that free time and quiet space to myself I would be incredibly productive, not so much. Her calm house is a little too calming at times and my new bed time has become 9pm! It's a physical fight with myself to make myself alert after 10pm. Unless I am already heavily caffeinated I just can't keep my focus there for more than an hour or two. So needless to say I am still working on the same watercolors I have been chugging along on for weeks and I only made one new piece of jewelry last night!

I guess last night was an exception because I should have known as soon as I broke out the beads my little crafty girl would be all up in my grill. The sight of my collection made her stop in the middle of a sentence! Being 11 means not having nice things yet. Yet you're old enough to want for them. I'll probably let her make something for herself. Last night she spent all her time oohing and aahing over single beads then meticulously putting them back where she found them.

All these necklaces can be found in my shop! Thanks for the support guys. It means a lot.

Tree Thoughts

2011-12-10T08:03:00.001-08:00

My migraines are officially back. I've been trying to fight through them for about 2 weeks now, but yesterday I had to cancel plans because I just couldn't bring myself to get off the couch. I felt like someone was pulling my hair really hard and it made it hard to even open my eyes. This happens every year. Seasonal migraines... which often leads to seasonal depression and unmotivation and lack of self esteem since there is a lack of creating. It is hard to deny that my art is my life when it is so integral to my mood and general self worth. I don't feel like I am myself when I am depressed. I am some lesser, inadequate, unattractive, usually much more rude version of me. And I hate it. So since I am aware that my migraines often facilitate my depression I am trying really hard to not let it happen this season. I have too much going on. I don't have a day off, I don't have the time to waste being any less than my best right now.

I have been feeling a lot better in the past few months. I was really hoping to avoid these headaches all together this year. I thought I might get my wish earlier this month, but I think it was the odd late summer we got here in the Northwest that gave me false hope. Usually the fall season hits us, as it should, in Mid September. But this year we were having summer days all the way up to mid November! Our winter just started, most of us haven't even had a chance to see snow yet.

I have felt the coldness creep in though. Since I am out walking pups for at least an hour every day I am starting to yearn for Spring when everything starts getting new growth again. Nearly all of the Autumn leaves have fallen and are turning to dark brown mush on the sides of the roads. So the few chances the sun does show it's face there is no avoiding it. It shines through all the dead looking trees and glistens off all the wet rotting leaves on the ground making outside unbearably bright when you compare it to how unbearably cold it is. When there is that much light outside it really needs to be warmer.

Now the only trees that are left looking alive are all the trees that look like Christmas trees. So no matter where you go there is always a subtle subconscious reminder that this month you are going to be broke. Since that is honestly what Christmas means once you hit 19 years old.. It's just another month you still have to pay rent, an extra large power bill, internet, and you have to go out and blow tons of money on gifts and shit for the holidays.

So I decided to distract myself from all these tree thoughts I have by painting. I've been noticing all these perfect little places to paint. Like I have stumbled upon a natural unused frame! Well... the first one I found wasn't natural. Someone had carved out a rectangle of bark from a tree and I just couldn't resist painting it really fast. Turned out pretty shitty but I was rushing with a hand cut stencil on paper and some rough acrylic paint. I just needed something to brighten up my cold gloomy day.

Conversation In Draft

2011-12-06T19:56:00.001-08:00

So for those of you that don't know I made an Etsy account!

And what is on your Etsy account?

My art... so far it is just some paintings and jewelry. It is definitely a work in progress. It's proving to be more difficult that I anticipated. I'm trying to sign up for a PayPal account right now. I think I did it right. I guess I will find out in a day or so. They have to verify your account by depositing a few bucks into it. A little weird, but whatever. I need it so people can order my stuff all online with their cards. Who sends checks or money orders these days.. really? Here... if you want to check out what I have so far.
The Banner isn't done, I want to add an elephant design to it. But it's a slow process
That's great! Think it's going to be great once everything is all done!!! I should have my Etsy site up and running by the end of next week just in time for those Holiday shoppers!!! I'm hoping that since the pictures we take are so unique, they will be eye grabbers and people will notice them. Any publicity will be good.
No kidding. If you haven't seen the photos Tody and I take you can check them out on his Blog. I don't post our light photos that often. They're never uploaded to my computer so I never bother. I figure our blogs overlap quite a bit and we have the same followers, just about... You guys already know our deal. And if you haven't figured out, this is a convo between us. It's just easier to get our ideas out this way and for once you guys can see our process. The Kona and Tody method to art making.. lol.
Hahaha Found this on Blythe's blog:

This video is so tight! Hahahah! I'm not a big Macklemore fan but this video rocked! Here's a couple light pictures Kona and I have taken over the last week:

This picture was taken in Bremerton at a small preschool park on Elizabeth ST.

This has pretty much been our life lately. Setting up blogs, web accounts here and there, making ads, doing art, editing pictures and spell checking. There aren't enough hours in the day to be online. Who knew this would become my life. I used to fight having to use the computer so much. I wanted to make all my art by hand and I wanted my photos and creations to be natural and organic. Now I am scheduling Twitter time and making sure I have internet where I go and trying to figure out how to cram a few more minutes of chatting with potential clients while I should be getting ready to go to my real day job. But it's fun. I never knew but this is exactly how I want to be spending my twenties. I think I am finally on the right path.

Today has been productive for both Tody and I. He set up his domain name today and made himself a Facebook page for our pictures! So I followed suite and made one for myself. I need to wait for my next paycheck to register my domain and start putting up ads, but that's my next step. I'm excited. It's nice having another person going through all this with me, its hard to keep myself motivated.

So keep an eye out in the next few weeks. Things are about to get exciting!

Puppy Love

2011-12-03T19:17:00.001-08:00

Sorry I've been gone so long. I was sick over the holiday and it's been a long journey back. My clients, Mr. Prez and, Tody have been the only light in my dreary life lately. Although I have had my hands glued to my pens lately. And that has felt good too. I'll show you some drawings in my next post. For now I just wanted to show you guys some of the cuties that have stolen my heart in the past few months.

Want to see more tongue? Lol.. This is how I spend my day. With these guys... They are actually great inspiration. My little matted muses'.

Sorry for disappearing. I know I do that a lot. But I'll have art to show you tomorrow.

Pay It Forward

2011-11-20T09:24:00.001-08:00

I had an unusually good morning considering I slept horribly last night. My mind refused to settle, it was full of plans and ideas and worries and lists. Then I was texted out of my restlessness about dying fish and bitchy girlfriends, which had more in common in my mind than probably true and it was making it hard to concentrate. Or maybe it was the fact that it was after 4am... I listened to my overly type A boss rant about personal problems at 6am which helped me wake up a bit. And when she had strayed so far off on some random tangent that I felt confident she would never navigate her way back to her original point (which was about a guy at her job, but for some reason we were talking about orange drop cookies) I hurriedly changed the subject to the weather and my cold cold car outside. By then it was nearly 7am... but that's actually relatively good for her. Her therapy is venting and I'm her captive audience 5 days of the week.

So that was my mediocre start to my day... but once outside it was like a winter wonderland. Don't get excited, it wasn't snow. But the frost was so thick it looked that way at fist glance. It was beautiful. The sun was starting to come up so the lighting was perfect and the birds were reverberating off every icy wall. Outside was an amazing symphony of morning sounds. My car was of course frozen shut and it was like sitting in an icebox once I got in. So I played Mario on the DS while I waited for my car to warm up. Probably 5 minutes went by (I got a star!) and someone scared me half to death. All of a sudden something hit my windshield and started scraping my ice off. It took me a minute to see anyone then a chubby face appeared in the hole he'd just made, smiling like the Cheshire Cat. Some guy warming up his car had seen me get in mine and he said he just watched my car for what seemed like forever and nothing happened so he decided to help. He proceeded to scrape all the glass on my vehicle and waved, smiled and left. It made my morning!

It really did. I hope that guy realizes he made my boring start turn into a wonderful morning. He made me really want to do something nice for someone else today. Pay it forward... and hopefully that person will pass it along too. It's a contagious feeling.

My Boy

2011-11-19T16:23:00.001-08:00

I had an impromptu date with my pup today. I was struck with an idea while I was walking a client this morning and it made me want to bring my boy back to that park with my camera. I knew he would love the foot deep sea of leaves on the ground.

And sure enough he was a mad man. He barely stayed still for two seconds. But I managed to capture some good shots as he darted around the leaf garden.

He was a good sport. He always is. He was clueless to what I was doing the most of the time. Everything else was more interesting than me. That's fine. Find out Monday the real reason I was at that park.

I can't tell you but I was too excited about it not to post a little hint to it.. lol. I'm weird. I know. I have to go to work. Till tomorrow...

Listening To Some Biggy at 8am

2011-11-19T08:27:00.001-08:00

So I'm obsessed with this song...

It's been getting me through my morning. I decided to stay up when I got home from work instead of my usual routine of taking a quick nap with Mr. Prez before I have to go to my second job. But I just have too much going on today, I don't have time to nap. Although other than my online to do list... I haven't really been all that much more productive than normal. Everyone is asleep, so there's not much I can do. Dishes, vacuuming, and cleaning the bathroom would all be too loud for the boys. I know if I try to clean out my cupboards I'll end up dropping stuff and making a cacophony in the kitchen out of mere subconscious spite. I'm uncontrollably self destructive like that for some reason. So I'm hiding from my own overpowering ways in the office. Youtube has still helped me from being silent in here... I can't seem to just enjoy the quiet. Oh well.

So I have been painting with watercolor for the past week, and it's fun. I think I found a new skill to work on. I never stick to one medium for that long, so we'll see how long this one lasts. Want to see some ipod pics? Here...

This was something I sold a few months ago through the Sunflower Gallery

And the fish plate currently resides at Mom & Erich's

Whirlwind

2011-11-18T18:46:00.001-08:00

This week has flown by and I feel like I have just gone along for the ride. I have been working hard on Christmas presents and thinking hard on Thanksgiving. I can't believe it is less than a week away. I have a fun weekend project in store to get me ready for the holiday at my apartment. Luckily I get that day half off.. I don't have to walk puppies. But I do have to pick up the kids and take them home and work all night. You can't get everything you want I guess.

I don't have any pictures right now. I know.. shame on me. I've just been too scatterbrained to be on top of that. I have all my pictures in random spots on different people's computers so I just wanted to check in and let you know I'm still chugging along. I haven't abandoned you again.. this creative streak wasn't that short lived. I'm still working. I actually really like what I'm currently working on and I hope to have more of an update later. If they look good when I finish more I might have something to start my Etsy account with.

Speaking of which... that is on my agenda for next week.Tody and I are going to work hard and get all my art pictures organized so I can really get to selling. I'm excited and ready to let go of some of this art.

So I hope to show you my fun leaf project tomorrow. I'm back to my old candle making ways. Although hopefully a lot less messy this time.

Yay For Elephants

2011-11-16T18:06:00.001-08:00

Tody went on an adventure today to find elephants and he succeeded!

I have this cream dispenser.

And I need this mug!

They make me happy.

My Hero

2011-11-15T16:44:00.001-08:00

today is my best friend Cody Rate Stewart! He rescued my pictures from my cracked, battered and lifeless Ipod. I guess its heaven is thinking it is a camera... since that's what his computer read it as. But it gave back my pictures. Guess we really can't take anything with us to heaven. That's good.
So here are some great pics of us he recovered!

I am so grateful! So periodically I can show you guys what I was up to while I was on hiatus from the internet.

London Fog

2011-11-14T09:15:00.001-08:00

Have you ever tried on a London Fog raincoat? One of those long lush vintage ones with the rich thick fabric and the heavy buttons? I have always wanted one. I found one once at St Vinny's but it was too small so I had to leave it for the next special bargain searcher who happened to be a bit smaller than I. But those coats are the image of fall in the Northwest to me. This morning I couldn't get those raincoats out of my head as I navigated my way through the fog. The little bit of cars that were out at 6am were disappearing before my eyes as they got only yards ahead of me. It was strangely comforting, like being in your own private cloud that hid you from the rest of the world.

Kitsap Fog. Doesn't sound as luxurious, but still has its mystic. And perhaps an underlining dangerous vibe... just because of the area. Makes for alluring pictures though.

The leaves caught my eye too. They have been for some time now but I've just been too distracted and lost in space to stop and really look. I've only been giving them passing glances and fleeting thoughts of how pretty a picture that would make then going on my busy way. So today I took a few snap shots. It's a wonder how something so lifeless and cold can hold so much fiery passion before it decomposes and becomes one with the earth again.

Then saw something that made me laugh out loud like a kid at 7am as I was wandering aimlessly around my neighborhood. Oh the joys of being a tortured youth... someone's parents out there are just thrilled at how popular their child must be.

Gone are the days of throwing the nerd's shoes up a power line... this generation puts Razor's in trees.

I'm Tentatively Stepping Back In The Ring

2011-11-13T12:55:00.001-08:00

Sup?
Anybody still there?

Well I am still milling around for those that have wondered. I don't have anything substantial to show you. Although I can direct you to some great photography I have at least had my hand in. But lately my life has consisted of walking 2 to 3 hours a day being led aimlessly around the county by furry four legged friends then crashing on my friend's couch to hold her house down while her little one's sleep and she keeps our roads safe. I've managed to sneak in my creative ventures though. Here and there.. when I have the mental capacity to. And hopefully with this little push in the artistic direction that my amazing Mr. Prez has given me (by means of relinquishing his laptop to me) I'll slowly settle back into my old habits here of sharing my artistic triumphs and failures with the world.
I wish I had pictures to show you, but, sadly... my one means of documenting my random works of art has been ruined. My beloved ipod touch bit the dust a few weeks ago. And with it went all of my ideas, pictures, saved links to projects I wanted to try my hand at, and my precious precious Instagram family. How I miss them... But I'm recovering. I've decided to jump back into Blogging and see if that helps sooth the pain of my missed instant gratification.

So stay tuned. I've found my camera. And somehow my motivation for the time being...

Are You Still Listening?

2011-05-27T01:36:00.000-07:00

So as this blog lay dormant so did my creativity. I'm not sure why the two are so closely related, something about habitual muscle memory probably. I have trained my brain to need to vent out my creativity. So when I'm not unloading there is nothing to unload. Which is why it gets so hard to start up again. When there is nothing to talk about it is hard to force monologue. But when I am all bottled up I can't create anything to show you guys. It's. A cyclical mess I've gotten myself into. But I refuse to let this blog go.

Birdy

2011-04-11T08:00:00.000-07:00

So incase you guys were wondering about Birdy, she is good. To my knowledge... I dropped her off at the wildlife rescue center on Bainbridge Saturday morning and she was doing great. So I hope they have taken better care of her than I and hopefully her wing will be healed in no time.
I was pretty stoked on the fact that I was feeding a hummingbird with my fingers. Not many people can say they have done that. I can see why people like birds, I just can't stand the cacophony that inevitably ensues with most domestic birds. But I think I'm going to get a hummingbird feeder and put it under the Mexi's balcony in front of my living room window. I'm sure Dime would be stoked on that. And I would be able to think about Birdy every time I was on my computer in front of the window and I happen to see a hummingbird.

A Day Unexpected

2011-04-09T06:45:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was one of those days that by the end of it, I had no idea how I had gotten there from where I started. Only one of my original plans for the day worked out, and that was because it was fool proof once I put it in the crock pot.

Not that I am complaining, I spent my day with my favorite people, and my favorite new people.

I was going to take Dime to the nature preserve between where I live and my job, but instead we took him to the creek so he could play in the water. And he freaked out. I don't know if it was the fact that it's been a week or so since I've taken him anywhere where he can really run or just the nice weather mixed with the fact that both of his favorite people were taking him to his favorite place to play, but he went ape shit as soon as I let him off the leash. He didn't even let us work our way down the side of the ravine, he brought me a stick to throw as soon as he physically could. It was like he had to fit in every millisecond of playing in that he possibly could before we snapped the leash back on and took him back to his cell.

It wasn't as warm as I would have liked, but it was sunny. Which I was thankful for, because on the way to our spot I slipped in the creek and got my whole right shoe soaking wet. It's been worse, I've tripped and pitched the Flip into the water before and I've dropped my phone a few times too. You would be surprised what can withstand being dunked as long as you take it all apart and let it air dry immediately after. Not that I am advocating throwing your electronics in the sink, it's just not necessarily the end all - be all if you have a water related accident.

On the way back to the car Dime made a most unexpected discovery on the trail. He found a baby bird. He wanted to keep it and play with it in his mouth for a bit, but we rescued the baby from Dime's oversized playfulness just in time. Being the animal lovers that we are we were a little dumbstruck as to what to do, and after some deliberating phone calls to Moms we took it home with us. I made it a little bed and feed it sugar water every hour or so. I'm pretty much positive now it's an adult hummingbird with a broken wing. It's made it through the night and even left me a few presents showing it's not too sick to poop. Which should be a good sign. But I need to take it somewhere where they know what they are doing.

But for now I have a pet hummingbird named Birdy. I know I shouldn't name it... deeper connections... harder to let go.. yada yada yada... It's just who I am. I have to call it something.

Typography

2011-04-08T12:26:00.000-07:00

Is anyone else as interested in the type faces we use as I am? I love different fonts, I love trying out different fonts and making up new ones. Typography is a lot like color to me, and everyone knows I love me some colors. You can express any emotion you want with your font. You can make it three dimensional, colorful, blurry, smooth, rough, big, tiny, inverted... anything you want. If it is readable it works. A lot of graffiti artists don't even bother doing that half the time.

I want to redo the banner for the blog, but I don't know what I want to do yet. So I've been doodling all over my notebook at work. The boys are impressed that I can print perfect bubble letters almost as fast as I can write normally. And they marveled at my lightning fast cursive that none of them could read. I might as well have been rapidly scribbling lines on the paper for them to gape at.

It's been a while since I have thought about my handwriting. I used to be one of those girls that tried to change their handwriting every few months. I was constantly on the search for the perfect penmanship. I've frequently switched between the different ways to write a lowercase A, giving my Bs and Ds littler and littler tails, I even tried to write a G with the hook thing on it like Times New Roman for a little while. All the bipolar mind changing about what looked good has actually made quite an impact on how I write now. You can look at a single note to someone and find contradictions everywhere in my text. I can't write the same way twice! I often switch between cursive and print and something I like to call "lazy cursive" all in the same paragraph.

I'm an admitted note writer. All my friends know that because probably all of them over the course of our relationship have received one. My addiction is farther reaching than notes though, I love lists too. You guys know this, you can find my random lists scattered in posts and an occasion one will pop up on my art page. I'm just a writer in general. I have to get everything out of my brain and on paper or I feel like I might lose it forever. Or change the idea in a way I can never get that original one back. My thoughts are like photographs and my brain is like photoshop out of control. I can't stop thinking and rethinking things, and it's hard for me to get back to my first idea sometimes.

I don't know if any of these random doodles are going anywhere, but at least it's out there now.

Back In White Country

2011-04-07T20:30:00.000-07:00

Has anyone else noticed the spring flowers? I can't wait for next month! The May flowers will be wonderful! After all we are having plenty of April showers. Today was a perfect example of that. But it was still too irresistible to pass up a chance to pick some of the first Spring flowers.

My shoes soaked through... it was after all an impromptu tromp through the wilderness. But it was worth it. I never knew how many different types of moss there are here, and I am planning on spending a day in the sun documenting every type I come across. But today was not that day.

I ended up leaving most of my flowers for Bigfoot. I found his tracks and felt bad he was so lonely out there wandering life on the run. So I left my flowers for him in the trees by the trail.

I think a few more random, inspirational, spontaneous journeys are in order to cure my artist block. I know my creativity it still flowing strong, my mind is constantly racing with ideas and stories and plans and thoughts. It's harnessing all those random and sometimes useless tangents and centering my thoughts on art again that is proving difficult.

Getting Restless

2011-04-07T06:23:00.000-07:00

I'm in a creating rut again. I don't know what throws me into these, but it seems like I get them semi frequently. I smash out like ten pieces and I feel so full of ideas and progress, then its like I just can't keep my eyes ahead of me and I slam right into this Berlin Wall of creation block. Maybe it was giving all my finished stuff to Like A Boss Lady. I don't have anything to stare at while I'm thinking of new things. I gather a lot of inspiration from stuff I have already done. When I look for art or artists I love looking for patterns in pieces. I love diptych and triptych sets and I am always searching for little similarities and repeated imagery in everything. So I tend to do lots of little mini sets and "collections" if you will, in my own art.

I thought of something to draw yesterday, Tody and I talked about my looming wall and he helped me think of some interesting ideas. I'm just not motivated, and I'm not sure why. I feel like I'm falling farther and farther behind but I'm letting it get out of control. All this stress hasn't been good for my tummy or lower back and feeling sick and uncomfortable a lot also drags me down. I need to get focused again and ignore all these distractions around me that in the long run will probably end up just holding me back more. My life is here in my art, in my home, and in these relationships I've made. I feel like my head is on a kite stuck in a storm cloud; being beat at every side by tear drops and cold shoulders and the occasional, confusing electrifying touch.

I slept a lot last night off and on, and I had nightmare after nightmare that I can't remember. But it made me realize I hadn't had a bad dream in months. I've been more relaxed this year than ever. I don't want to revert back to my stressed out dramatic ways. I barely make anything on a consistent basis when I'm unhappy, and the things I do finish are just not a good representation of me. I guess one could argue that it is a testament to who I was at that given moment, but I don't like that either. If I don't like how I am feeling than the art I put out there shows that distaste.

Maybe its all just a vicious cycle, because the more I make the better I feel, yet it is near impossible sometimes for me to get happy enough to just start one piece.

Hopefully venting helped.

Are You Happy?

2011-04-02T15:03:00.000-07:00

I hope you are. Where ever you are sitting reading this I hope you are comfortable and warm and loved. Everyone should feel those things every day! I do, even if it's not the majority of my day, at some point in my day I always feel comfortable, warm and loved. I am lucky though, I live with two great boys that love me very much and other than the occasional paw to the stomach when being stepped over, both of them try they're best to make me happy and comfortable.

Even those who live alone should find things that make them feel good at home. I believe as humans we are constantly searching for comfort and stability in something else. It shows us how attainable it is for ourselves. Probably why we need domesticated animals around so much. We need to feel loved and powerful and needed and cared for all at once. The respect is always nice too.

I'm kind of rambling on about nothing really. But I just feel thoughtful today. Current Roomie is no longer Current Roomie. I guess I'll need a new name for her. We'll just call her The Solitary Woman for her love of being alone in her room. She moved out yesterday, and I'm not going to lie. I almost cried. It was a mixture of the shock of seeing her room completely empty and the pure realization that I will probably never see her in person again that made me so incredibly sad. From the little I have gathered over the past 7 months with her is that she was a very kind person. She had great taste in music, and a good political head on her shoulders. She did a great job that not many people get the privilege to do and she had a cute little (spastic) nephew that got along great with my love. Even if he never once called him by the right name. But nevertheless Diamond Dime will still miss him.

I'll post more about my recent vacancy in the apartment later after I take some more pictures. But for now I am just enjoying the amazing bipolar WA weather and my Tody's company. We have art on the mind today.

The Longest Post I've Ever Made

2011-04-01T12:33:00.000-07:00

So Tody and I are the best of friends for many many reasons. The most important, perhaps, is that we are incredibly similar. Both of us are unreliable at best with sticking to something. So although I at first thought having two people man this blog would mean I would never miss a day of posting, I am really not surprised we just went a week without putting anything up. There are plenty of excuses; we were both getting over being sick. I was working up to my epic meeting with Like A Boss Lady. I have been working a lot on both art and watching the boys most days (where I don't have internet access all day). Blah blah blah. I don't have a valid excuse, because every time I open my internet I see this blog. I have just been opening another tab and checking my other shit and moving along most days. Which is all my fault. I'm a flake.. I'm sorry guys.

But I'm here now to fill you in on everything Tody and I have been up to in the last week.

I have been making jewelry, well, necklaces, lately. I really enjoy it. I'm glad I got my inspiration back. I don't know where it went, or what made it return. But I'm not questioning it. I've tried making other things like earrings and bracelets, but they just look tacky and cheap. I usually go by if I would wear it. And I ask my friends. My new roomie came over and helped me out the other night. She modeled my necklaces and kept me company. I need nicknames for them, so for now the lucky couple are just the Future Roomies. They make for some pretty darn good pictures and lots of laughs.

We've all been hanging out a lot. It's been nice to chill with another couple, and I'm so relieved we all get along so well. Dime has been extra happy to have the constant attention, and Future Roomies have taken to him quite fast. As he has taken to their bean bag love seats... Dime seriously can't wait till they move their stuff in.

The boys are cute as ever since they are all over their snifflies. Although it is Spring Break for one of them... and he's being a menace since him and the Middle Child have stomach bugs. Sucks to be 7 sometimes. But that cutie-patootie little Cam is just a ball of adorableness since he's been better.

Hopefully with this new job I'll be getting more hours, and more moneys and all that goodness. I just really can't wait till the weather improves so I can take the boys to the park and the beach. They will get to meet Dime this summer. He'll love it and so will they.

Dime has been so happy this past week. He's not as itchy and he loves having people around. Copper was even over for an impromptu play date.

The boys and I decided to play with Tody's Fisheye lens after everyone had left for the day. But they were quite uncooperative.

Dime couldn't keep his tongue to himself. But they were happy when CR'sN showed up. They got to have one last play time with they're little friend. I helped Current Roomie move most of her stuff the other day so I knew it was coming.

Dime will miss his friend, and Copper probably couldn't care less about his frenemy... But I'll miss that spastic little kid and his quiet Aunt.

The boys napped with me last night.. I had a long day. But it's been good.

PS I also took a bunch f pictures of the fish...

Down With The Sickness

2011-03-25T10:20:00.000-07:00

I miss my Tody! He's been sick with the flu for the past few days. So the last time I saw him was our underwater adventures. But I'll see him Sunday on his Birthday. Here are some pictures he's been taking!

Oh The Agony

2011-03-25T09:30:00.000-07:00

I might be a tad dramatic. But it is the second day in a row I have woken up with intense lower back pain. For those of you who know me well, you know that is not uncommon to say the least. I've battled this back pain in one way or another pretty much since I hit puberty. So I've learned to cope with it with pillows and stretches and workouts and ice, but this past week has been off the charts pain wise. Nothing I normally do to alleviate the pressure has been working. I'm completely used to waking up to pain, and I can almost always fall back asleep after some cushion adjusting. But not lately. I've had to resort to medication, which I hate. IceyHot smells gross, and it's stuck to your body.. so it's you that smells. You can't walk away from it. Over the counter pills don't even begin to touch my back pain because I usually have ten other things that moderately ache, and I'm not one for anything stronger than that if I have to get it anywhere other than my doctor.

I'm pretty much just complaining now. I am enjoying my 4 day weekend. It'll end on Tody's birthday, and we have a small celebration together planned. I have a huge work weekend art wise ahead. I want to make honest efforts to frame and finish everything I have painted for the gallery. And I need to make the rest of the bracelets and necklaces I have planned out. I have two blank canvasses gazing mockingly at me, so I need to fill them this weekend. I liked my ink octopuses I did for the gallery, so I think I might do some ink elephants. I've noticed that the art I'm selling is sorely lacking for my favorite animal. If there aren't elephants involved how can it possibly be a good representation of me?! Lol.

The sun is shining, everything is drying and sparkly this brisk morning. I should take Dime somewhere. Perhaps a trip to the Reserve is in order today.

Check back soon for more art updates.

Did You Know This Case Might Be Waterproof?

2011-03-24T11:25:00.000-07:00

So Tody got a new camera case for his birthday. It has incredible amounts of potential, but we have yet to tap into that. It's an underwater case. And for those people who need things spelled out clearly for them it has waterproof printing on and in it like 57 times. Just in case you couldn't figure that one out. We found that a little redundant. The look of the case is interesting. I want to do a shoot of Tody shooting with his camera in that case. It just looks so exaggerated and funny. We couldn't figure out where to test it. Neither of us frequent any public pools in the area, and although Spring is showing her face the water in the Sound is still way too cold for a quick dip to test out the case. Short of lowering the camera on a rope with the intervalometer shooting continuously my big fish tank seemed like the only option right now. Jaws is a good model for me when I feel the urge to shoot something different.

Our biggest issue... the camera refused to sink. Tody had to hold it down so we couldn't leave it in there to shoot continuously. We tried a few things I have randomly strewn about my apartment to put in the bottom of the bag to weigh it down, but they were sad efforts. Nothing was heavy enough and if it was it definitely wasn't the right shape to fit in there and not scratch the camera. So back to brainstorming for new shoot ideas. Tody and I have come up with a few good ones for underwater, and just some great ideas that would lend well to having that protective layer. Tody is excited about making an underwater lightbox.

My mind is racing with interesting ideas for wet photography! Leave us a comment if you have an idea you want us to try.

Kiss My...

2011-03-22T22:01:00.000-07:00

...good fortune. Things seem to be going incredibly my way lately. I'm feeling confident in my art and my new networking skills. I've made new friends and am about to embark on a new chapter in my adult life. I am finally in my element again. I'm taking on new challenges and seeing rewards with almost all my efforts.

In case you're lost to why I am so happy right now check out my other blog I share with a wonderful British lady.

The boys and I even seem to be over that gross bug we collectively had.

As you can see Cam is as cute as ever.

Sketch

2011-03-21T00:20:00.000-07:00

is how I have been feeling lately. Sketchy... not fully right. But I've managed to get quite a lot accomplished in the past week or so. I paid some bills, and got new supplies. Tody and I have been hard at work experimenting with shirt making. Some went well while more are interesting works in progress. He's been so patiently photographing everything I ask him to, even if the wait for getting the pictures online can get long. But we are finally current on all my finished pieces being documented. That includes my new ones I have yet to post. I've been playing with ink lately instead of painting. It's a lot more kid friendly, so the boys don't feel the need to make a mess everywhere with my expensive supplies. But I have discovered the joy of paint pens, so we'll see where that takes us.

I've also been hard at work on the blog for Our Sunflower Gallery! It's still a work in progress. I have a lot to do with it before I'm truly happy with is as a good website for our art. I'm also going to be manning our Twitter account and perhaps updating the Facebook too. Next month is creeping up quickly and everything seems to be falling together quite nicely. Forms are being filled out, insurance was gotten, venues are being booked, art should be getting framed... it's getting down to the hard stuff now.

So naturally I have been hard at work. I'm stressing a bit about my framing. I'm low on funds and resources but I have a growing collection of pieces that are not sellable if they aren't completely finished with a nice frame. But my output is still going strong. I'm gathering advise on how I should price, I was even going to post about pricing tips on the gallery blog. I feel it would be helpful. But I have a lot to do before I can start doing silly stuff like that.

I thought I would share some doodles I have been collecting over the years. I have just started photographing all my journals and drawings from before college and while I was going, because I'm curious about what I am still attracted to and interested in. I find these pictures are a good source of ideas for new projects or techniques. I am still drawing the same things even years later, I just have slightly different ideas.

Setting Up Blogger On My IPod

2011-03-13T19:35:00.000-07:00

So as you know I got a new iPod Touch 4G and am loving it. I got it because my Blackberry had finally gone off the deep end. I love the term "There's an App for that!" ...because it's true. I have Google voice for calling and texting, so all I had to do was download a couple apps and I had my self a free WIFI phone. Combine that with a VIrgin Mobile MiFi you got yourself a cellphone. Sorry to go all nerdy on the blog today especially since I haven't posted anything in a while.

My point is we're more mobile then we where before. My iTouch and Kona texting on her phone gives us the ability to blog and post pics and tweets everywhere we go so I hope you guys are spreading the word about @konaandtody and the Elephant's Trunk!!!

No Pic

2011-03-13T01:40:00.000-08:00

Just words today. I keep stopping myself from posting because I don't have any pictures to put up. But I have things on my mind that I need to release, so I guess I can only hope you guys will read on, knowing there's nothing eye catching to gaze at sitting below.

First of all.. Japan. I'm so sorry! I can't believe what has happened. I know I should, after everything else in the world that has happened recently. But it is still so hard to imagine that happening. Whole towns are gone now due to this natural disaster. I've never been there, Tody has though. And to think somewhere you have been is in wreckage now, is so scary. Tody and I talked for hours about it all the next day.

But on our home front, things are good. Shirt stencils are almost done and I have everything prepped for making new Kona & Tody shirts. I'll just need my assistant back sometime next week. The last few times him and I have gotten together not much has seemed to get accomplished. But who can blame us... we've had a lot going on. I'm feeling more secure now though. I found a solution to my roommate issues, and now there's no chance of moving anytime soon. My art space is getting intruded on, but I can adjust. Having friends here will make up for the new cozier quarters, the people moving in are probably going to help me create anyway. I'm getting another artist in house, how exciting. Tody and I have another person to torture with body paint experiments and stick behind our lens. And the boys are getting another dude to be manly with, yay for them. Although I am pretty sure all Dime wants is more attention in general. He will love the new comfy furnishing and friendly scratches.

I'm still waiting on getting my new work stuff figured out, but once I get my new paychecks I'm definitely going to Michael's. I am getting quite the collection of finished pieces now, but they all have one thing in common. They are all unframed. I need to figure something out. I need it to be a cheap idea, but at the same time unique to me and my taste... I need a trip to Mom's. I need to talk this all out with Erich.

I'll take a picture of my octopus tomorrow in the sunlight. I promise. Check back tomorrow. Gnight.

Must Love Dogs

2011-03-08T23:20:00.000-08:00

Everyone needs a pet. If it wasn't for Sonny I would be so bored during the days. He is always entertainment.

Kona: I feel the same way about Dime!

Politics... Wow I've Come A Long Way....

2011-03-08T21:23:00.000-08:00

So I know you guys have Facebooks, I doubt you would be browsing Blogger if you didn't know your way around basic social networking sites like Facebook or for you pseudo retro's Myspace. So I can probably count on you guys all being aware of what's going on with our government these days and all the insane budget cuts... because I can't seem to log on to my Facebook without seeing more and more articles being posted to people's pages about higher tuition or friends turning their profile pictures to them holding signs to show support for Planned Parenthood. My roommate works for Americorps and her job is even in jeopardy because of all the budget threats - which I learned on Facebook. Don't get the wrong idea, I'm very enthused I'm getting all these messages on my newsfeed. I don't watch the news, nor do many people in my... let's call it.. "demographic". But by no means am I not civil minded. I care deeply about what is going on right now in America, I believe we all should care very much. Because it affects all of us. But I know the media spins a lot of what is on the nightly news and I couldn't care less about their political agenda. But I am becoming increasingly passionate about the political agendas I'm finding on my Facebook. My friends (I use that term loosely, I have quite a lot of these so called "friends" on there that I know nothing about after superficial facial recognition) have amazingly insightful social and political commentary.

"The proposed national budget cuts, which are in turn causing state budget cuts, will disenfranchise just about every social service in this country. I don't want to focus only on higher education, because it is only a piece of the gargantuan ice burg, but I want to say this about it....College level education is morphing into an industry that only the wealthy will have the ability to attend. What will our society become if higher education is only available to the financially stable, a class of people that is continually ...shrinking? The less financially stable would be helpless. And the government couldn't help because of a "financial crises" they allowed, and that they are perpetuating. These cuts will only put us into deeper debt, and set the stage for even more drastic and horrific cuts in the future. When will it be too much for society? I think it is right now. This needs to be stopped. K-12 Education is dismal. Who knows public education will even be able to educate the youth up to the levels of higher education, or prepare them for work in corrupted economy run by big business, stockbrokers, and banks. The class rooms wi...ll be filled with kids, because of a repealed law that ensures classes to be at a minimum of 26. And with up to half of the staff eliminated from their school in some cases, its no mystery how big those class sizes will get. Once again, private education will be the only "logical" way to go, and the wealthy will be the only ones who can pay for it. Is this what we want America to be? Is it not enough this way already? Hmm... so, children of wealthy parents will be the only ones able to get the important jobs of our society. Every one else either just can't do it, or ends up in student debt they cannot find a job to pay beck. All the scientists, children ...of the wealthy. All the doctors, children of the wealthy. All the politicians, children of the wealthy. All the business majors, children of the wealthy. All of the environmental policy writers, children of the wealthy. I think you get my point.
Maybe a few of the disenfranchised people will win a scholarship. But who knows how much money will be left for that?
Some brave low income students will take on up to 100,000 dollars in debt. And then even more in grad school. They might just end up with a decent job. But how much less time will they focus on improving our country and world because the debt they owe for their education?
This is slowly becoming reality. Believe it. And STOP it."
- Mike Colasurdo

I've known Mike since early high school I guess, never really friends, never really not. He was always someone I had on my radar though, because growing up in a majorly conservative home, I was fascinated by the liberal charisma. And as I got older and became more and more interested in politics on my own terms rather than what my Dad was telling me. I started to see how brilliant he is. Not sure what he's up to now besides going to Western and posting perfect status updates on his page that get me thinking for hours. But I wish I could go to all of my friends pages and see their thoughts on what we as a country our going through right now. As of late.. I sort of can, in a odd round about way. Most of my friends are posting their frustrations about FAFSA right now. So they are giving political commentary without even knowing. That makes me smile. Not much else about the situation does.

Better Pictures Soon

2011-03-08T06:08:00.000-08:00

So I made shirts. I had a more epic plan at first, I wanted to make a stop motion video of the whole stencil making and bleaching process, but time got away from me. It was, however, a good trial run. I have good pointers now and a pretty good idea of what not to do. For one, do not take pictures with an Ipod. Two, wait till you have some kind of tape. And three, don't try to do it while your helper is completely mentally preoccupied. I should have known when he barely paid any attention to me when we were buying pizza supplies. LOL... I had temporarily lost Tody to his new electronic devise.

So that was my shirt bleaching trial run. I am not horrified with my outcome. I just need to keep practicing. But The Trunk definitely needs some representation. Keep an eye out for our shirts, stickers and tags everywhere coming here soon. Thursday or Friday Tody and I are planning a much needed trip to the city, for some good ol fashion brainstorming. Seattle is perhaps our greatest shared muse. A big reason why I love Tody. He just naturally understands and shares the love and devotion that I have to our city.

Also keep an eye out for some of the other projects I'm about to start. I'm not sure how much of it all Tody will be involved with; as much as he would like, I guess. But either way I have a few shoots lined up for certain friends. I have a pregnancy shoot, a couples shoot and hopefully another person on board with me for Tody's 70's shoot idea, all creeping up on me. Plus I have lot of pieces of art at different levels of completion. The next thing I post on my Kona wall will probably be either my inking of the octopus and Seattle or my charcoal of the fish in the seaweed. So those to look forward to! I'm finally on the back end of my illness so my productivity level is coming back up to normal. All of those big hard to swallow horse vitamins and Orange Vita C lozenges have done me a world of good!

Poems

2011-03-07T11:17:00.000-08:00

Found this book of Selected Poems. I will soon be posting poems I read

Yesterday was a good Sunday! I had to go out to Seabeck to help my dad do some things at our other house before the next person can rent it. Any way we did some cleaning and burned some branches and a bunch of old bark. Had a few drinks too, it was nice then went over to a friends house later and drank more. It was a nice day!

So if you don't know I follow the Shaytards! Kona tries to keep up but it's hard... any way I wanted to show you guys this video that they posted. It's their 2nd year anniversary video, I enjoyed watching it so much and hope you do too!

So Relieved

2011-03-07T06:50:00.000-08:00

I feel so much better today. Yesterday was great, and it helped me feel a thousand times better today. I ventured out of my house for the first time all weekend and soaked up some sun and fresh beach air. A little exercise and fine dining was all I really needed to jump start my recovery. I had been cooped up inside all day and too afraid to really make anything that good because I'm too sick to be handling food. So we went out.

I'm not sure why my pictures are so pixalated... I have a fairly nice camera. I am pretty sure it's something to do with the hack I have. I have been trying for the past week to figure out the ins and outs of this hack, but I'm about ready to give up. It makes me sad, because I feel like if I just understood technology better I would be able to use this and have amazing pictures to show you guys. But I have no idea what I'm doing with my camera half the time anymore, and when I upload the pictures I realize that they just looked great on my little screen because they were so small. I have nice composition but the photo itself is lacking now.

Oh well, if I have to go back to using my camera the way it was intended I'll do it. I was just so hopeful I had a sneaky way to improve it on my hands. Lame...

BTW... if you want to know what the cute boy in my pictures is up to you should check out his blog. He's kinda brilliant.

First

2011-03-06T14:25:00.000-08:00

I just want to say: I am so glad that I have Kona in my life! And that I don't attend some party school!

Sometimes I wish I had gone straight to college after high school. Now that I'm older and have seen what people I went to grade school have been doing, it makes me so glad that I don't attend a major college.

Anyway that picture was taken by our good friend Tasha Fox. Kona and I where at her house and Kona used half my blue backdrop to make me a turban!

This song has been in my head all day!

Can't Take Much More

2011-03-06T07:10:00.000-08:00

I hate being sick. I'm rethinking this whole nanny thing, I can't take it anymore! The kids are great, for the most part. But I can't take being sick anymore. Those little snot balls are keeping me like this. I can feel myself dying, starting with my mouth and moving to the rest of my body. My tongue gets dry and disgusting because I can't breath out my nose which makes my tonsils swell, and my throat hurt. I can feel something rattling around in my chest when I breath like the ball bearings they put in spray paint cans. My voice sounds like an old Jewish man's, and I just feel greasy all the time no matter how freshly showered I am. And perhaps the worst although it affects me very little - the horrible snoring! I feel bad. But I can't really breath, so of course things get complicated once I'm asleep. All in all I'm pretty miserable right now. I haven't been this sick in months, I've actually had a pretty good last year health wise, and this just sucked all the life out of me. Dime's been extra protective and cuddly cute. But I'm just trying to stay out of everyone's face. I don't want to get anyone else sick.

So it's probably good I'm just staying home and laying low all day. I'm gonna camp out on the couch and watch cartoons with my cough drops and kleenexs. Fingers crossed I feel better tomorrow and I can go to work. I need the money. I need to make a trip to Michael's very soon.

So I hope everyone is well out there in the world. I hope Tody is warm and healthy at his house. I'll be here with my trusty stuffed elephant trying to recoop as quickly as possible. I took some pictures to cheer myself up.

Hello!

2011-03-05T22:00:00.000-08:00

We were put on Earth for one reason: To Live. Most people lead very simple lives, they go to work and come home and repeat that on a daily basis. Then there are the people like me who just live, yeah, I want to get a job, I want to work, I need the money. But what I really want is to be self made. I want my job to be my camera and I want my camera to be part of me, an extension of my life that allows me to share what I see with you and the rest of the world.

I feel blessed that I have known Kona for so long and want to thank her for making me and my art part of The Elephant's Trunk. I hope that my joining will bring lots of new things for you to enjoy!

New Admin

2011-03-05T17:23:00.000-08:00

I've always had high hopes for this blog. In the way that it is an outlet for my art and the images that inspire me. I have tried to stay honest and forthcoming here. And although I have no idea how many people I am reaching I've always felt good about what I put up on here as a representation of me at the time. But over the past few months as I have grown with my art and here with this blog I've come to see that I'm not the only one that contributes here. Of course my loved ones influence my mood and therefor the content for the day. But it's more than that. I have so many people that help me create. The thoughts and art put up on here are not always purely my own. I like to think of The Trunk as a space for all of the creativity in my life. And perhaps the most leading creative person in my life right now is my best friend Tody. I like to think of him often times as my partner in creative crime and art. He's my personal photographer and the first person I ask for artistic advise. A lot of pictures on here lately were taken either by him or by me with his camera. So it seemed natural to incorporate him more into The Trunk.

So now introducing a new admin to my site!! How exciting for us. There will be some changes coming soon along with him. My pages are going to change and grow and there will be a new person posting every now and then. Kona and Tody have a lot of art to share with you guys.

So stick around to see how this plays out. I'm sorry I'm a failure with the pictures lately. I've just been very sick and trying my hardest to keep painting through it all. So I've let my camera sit for a while. But there will be more soon. There will be a lot to look at up very soon.

I Have A Consistency Problem

2011-03-04T07:25:00.000-08:00

Always have, probably always will. Call it what you will - "flaky", "inconsistent", "unreliable", "late"... I realize I have flaws. I'm working on it. But I think it might be too ingrained in my being to ever be able to have a daily routine. I'm just weird... but my blog is something I care about, and therefore, keep coming back to. I wont ditch my blog, especially now that I have myself some odd 20GB of picture space available to me. But I don't think I'll ever be able to post every single day. There are some days I don't turn on my computer at all. And some where I just can't think of anything to say. I've admittedly gotten better. The days I feel introverted I try to push on anyway and just post pictures I think are interesting from my life. But still, I sometimes go three or four days without posting anything. And I notice. Especially since I've put my blog archive back up on the side, I glance at it a lot and I notice that I only have around 20 posts, give or take, for each month. I'm missing days. I just can't get a routine.

I guess it all comes down to discipline. And I have never had very much of that. It's a hard concept for me to grasp, and I'm not quite sure why.

Anyways, I don't have a picture to post right now. I will tonight, but they aren't ready yet. I was just browsing The Trunk and felt compelled to give an explanation for my gappy posts. I did post yesterday, just not on the home page. I posted new pictures of some paintings I've been working on. Tody took HDR pictures of my new stuff because I was have the hardest time getting everything to show up in the pictures I was taking. My apartment and good lighting are not synonymous whatsoever. He also has been helping me with my computer for the past few weeks, little by little, and it's definitely getting better. It might have a little while longer with us. Fingers crossed it doesn't decide to jump ship and go live in computer heaven with Erica's desktop. I now have Adobe Photoshop Lightroom to play with. According to Tody all the professionals use it instead of Bridge for quick photo uploading and editing, and I have to say, the program is pretty sleek compared to Bridge. But I still have no idea what I'm doing so it is by no means quicker for me yet. But I think it could be. Most of the editing is all in the program so I don't have to wait for my slow computer to think about all the things it has to open. So we'll see. I'm excited.

I'll check back in later with pictures.

New Batteries

2011-02-28T21:54:00.000-08:00

So I found a necklace today that inspires me. I've been trying to get into beading again, but for some reason everything I've been making stirs nothing in me. I can barely finish a necklace, much less make anything I find wearable. Which makes me sad, because I used to love making jewelry. I have quite an impressive (to some) collection of bead bags from my favorite bead store. And I even have some devoted clients... even if I haven't made them anything in a while. So I have been trying to find inspiration somewhere to get my mind flowing in hemp and beads again. And I think I found it.

My paintings are coming along too. Some new pictures on my art page... Check it

More soon.

Need To Recharge

2011-02-27T18:04:00.000-08:00

So I did finish a painting last night as promised, I just can't show you yet. I know that sounds bad. But due to some increased outings lately I've been low on funds for my camera. So no batteries yet. But I promise soon. It's sort of imperative to a photo blog to actually have photos on it. So new ones soon. Pinky swear.

Good thing I never post my entire folder... just my favorite sets. I have plenty of things to show you while we wait for me to get paid again.

Here's a reminder of what it's like to be young...

That went on for far longer than I was interested in it. But that never detoured him. He was an unstoppable force, and I loved that. Too many people lack that child like resilience to run on even after everyone else has lost interest. He persevered, and was rewarded in the end by taking a long nap... So really it was great for me too.

Can't Keep Up

2011-02-26T20:52:00.000-08:00

I feel like my to do list is getting out of control. Thank goodness for weekends off. I have to finish a painting today. Which... I think I can do that. As long as I get back to that as soon as I post this.

I just felt I needed to check in. I have fun light painting pictures to show you. Tody came over yesterday after work and we messed around in my living room and kitchen.

There was dancing...

And light fighting...

And then I danced some more...

It was fun. I got a cheap new tripod for my camera since I can do a lot more with it. I just need to get some rechargeable batteries now, since the hack drains normal AAs. I went a little crazy at Vinny's actually... I got a coffeemaker, a tripod, a few coloring books for the boys and a bunch of puzzles. And a bike helmet. All was needed... kinda. But at least I do my shopping at thrifts stores.

Check tomorrow for new art!

Half My Year

2011-02-25T02:04:00.000-08:00

4 Days

2011-02-24T23:59:00.000-08:00

A lot can happen in 4 days. Although hundreds of sets of 4 days have gone by before with the same shit happening over and over again, these past 4 days have been different.

So hopefully I'm on a better path now, and I can really start concentrating on what I'm doing. Or should be doing, I guess. I hope everyone had a good President's Day. Katie couldn't have put it better on her blog that day... That is exactly how I spent my day.

And every day since has been a little more interesting. I'm working on different things, and I'm finally getting used to my new schedule. I'm not feeling sick anymore. And I'm managing to not go crazy with my new extra cash. But I think my best news is thanks to Tody. He hacked my camera!! My Canon PowerShot A1000 IS is now pretty much an EOS Rebel. I can shoot in RAW, take long exposure, and change all my lens and timer settings. I'm still exploring all the weird setting's the hack has given me. But it's awesome! It completely changes how my macro pictures look.

And I took these pictures, with my camera!

I'm pretty excited about it. Tody did his camera too, but since he already has a pretty awesome camera his new settings are a lot cooler. He pretty much made my camera into his, and his into something way cooler. So keep an eye out for more interesting pictures. I have a lot of testing to do with this baby. I need to find it's limits. I had finally started using this camera to its fullest with the program on it. Now I need to see how far this new program will let me go.

My Weekend Off

2011-02-20T23:59:00.000-08:00

was magical. The weather was nearly perfect, I spent quality time with my boys, and I ate good food. What more could I ask for. I took Dime to the water both days; we went beach hopping yesterday, and today he got to run like a mad man at the creek.

I absolutely love where I live. It's the safer side of town, I can walk to the most interesting and beautiful places, and living on top of a huge hill means no matter where I look I can see the most breathtaking views on clear days. I sometimes stop on my way to my laundry room and just stare at Mt. Ranier. My morning drives to work are precious to me. Maybe it's all the icy crystals in the morning air or just because the rising sun hits it exactly right, but the Olympic Mountains can be the most beautiful thing I see in my day.

Back to work tomorrow. I'm going to go enjoy the rest of my night.

Much Better

2011-02-19T13:48:00.000-08:00

So today is already a thousand times better than yesterday. I have exciting plans, the sun is shining bright, and I'm about to embark on a weekend full of art, relaxation, great views, even better friends, and re-cooperation! My good mood technically started last night when I got home from work. I needed to just lay down for a while and vent and relax. Then Tody and I took tons of cool pictures and I got to release a little more tension. After a long nap and some yummy tv time with my boys I was fixed and back to normal.

So other than this swollen uvula and slightly runny nose I am feeling back to my happy ol' self. I really hope this all clears up this weekend and doesn't get worse. I can't afford to miss any work. Even though... I'm positive it was the kids that got me sick in the first place. But I don't need to be prolonging their illness by giving them my unique strain of it.

So to everyone out that that contributed even a little to cheering me up - and there are much more of you than you might realize -

Goodnight Moon

2011-02-18T22:04:00.000-08:00

I had a horrible day, I guess that's how it goes when you have a truly wonderful day before it. Whatever follows is just lack luster. But today was a little worse than lack luster... Much worse, to be completely honest.

Thank goodness I have fabulous friends that talk to me all day and and squeeze in time to be with me and even come all the way to my house to cheer me up. I ended my evening smiling and looking forward to tomorrow, and seeing the new art Tody and I made tonight.

My neck is sore from holding up my head, so I think it's a sign I need to go to bed. But I have a last light picture from the other night. Sort of a teaser for the new one's to come!

BTW - who saw the moon tonight?! It was magnificent. Huge and vivid and for a while there didn't seem to be a cloud in the sky. Made for some chilly shooting, but it was worth it.

I Shouldn't Still Be Up

2011-02-18T00:43:00.000-08:00

but I am... I had a wonderful day and I just don't want it to end. Which is probably why I dilly dallied so long getting my chores done. So now I am forced to stay up way past my new day shift bedtime. I don't like being forced into a new schedule, I get less time with the guys, odd dreams because I can't seem to shut the outside world out when someone else is awake and I'm asleep, and no Dime-lazy-wakeup cuddles. But money is nice.

And my new animal friends I have met through my job is extra nice! I always have more love to give to cute four legged creatures.

Almost cuter than the kids...

Exposed

2011-02-16T20:36:00.000-08:00

So yet again I have very little to say... But not because I'm pissy today. I'm actually alright. A bit moody, but what else is new... it's me. Just nervous for tomorrow and tired from keeping up with the kids for three days straight. I just want to curl up and sleep forever.

I promise I'll have tons to say tomorrow and some cool pictures to look at. For now here are a bunch of awesome pictures Tody and I just took.

Cutest Ginger Eva

2011-02-15T21:58:00.000-08:00

Mom Always Said

2011-02-14T21:48:00.000-08:00

"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

So I wont.

But I would feel selfish if I kept this set of pictures to myself.

These were all taken by a 4 year old! Impressive huh?

Gnight.

Day After Dull

2011-02-13T21:45:00.000-08:00

I must be worn out from all the goodness in the past few days, cause I am so wiped out today. I hope I feel 100% tomorrow. I am so excited to play with two cute energetic little boys all day.

Today was just not my day. Copper ran out the door unleashed on me twice today. I can't seem to get my head out of the clouds, and no matter what I do Dime seems to be upset and need something. Everything I attempted today just felt entirely awkward and uncomfortable. I keep getting lost in... nothing. I find myself staring thinking very little about anything yet ten minutes pass by without my knowledge.

I did manage to capture the bright part of my day. Dime has a new friend.

Copper was even on good behavior for a second to play. So my day hasn't been all bad. I'm just a little off. I need to buy more coffee...

But I'm not letting anything stop me from enjoying tomorrow. I am so excited to spend one of my favorite days of the year babysitting. We're going to make Valentine's for everyone we love and take silly pictures. Couldn't be better.

Oh Happy Day

2011-02-12T21:33:00.000-08:00

It's my birthday!! Not much to say today. I just have some pictures to share. Nothing amazingly meaningful to say to start off my twenties. I'm just happy and relaxed. I spent the day with my favorite people looking at my favorite things. The weather didn't even keep me down, all though I-5 got very scary for a while because of the hurricane that seemed to pass through this evening. And besides my minor directional setbacks I not only got us safely to Lakewood, but I managed to get us home too, after I asked for help.

Most of my pictures are from the Aquarium, the camera I was using didn't last very long. But I didn't care. I enjoyed seeing everything from behind my glasses lens just as well.

My favorite part of the day wasn't documented although I will not forget it. I found a new love... the Sea Elephant! Also known as the adorable walruses at Point Defiance. Seriously, if you haven't been there, go see them.

I'm going to go charge my camera and enjoy the rest of my day.

Tomorrow's The Day

2011-02-11T13:41:00.000-08:00

I turn 20!!

I'm so excited. I am almost exactly where I want to be in life, in love, in friendships, in family, in my art and even on my blog! Everything seems to be shaping up. And just in time for my birthday. Which will be spent at the zoo! Yay. Look for pictures soon.

I also have a.. thing.. in the works. A happy surprise. I don't want to talk about it yet, it's aimed for April, so I don't want to get mine or anyone else's hopes up. Just know that incredibly good things are coming!

Sorry I'm being vague and cryptic, I'm just buzzing and I have to get my emotions out. Even though I have to manage to stay a bit tight lipped.

Ummm... here's a picture of my latest painting. In case you haven't peeked at my art page.

I finally have Robin's project well underway. Although it has morphed from an easy 24hr idea to an incredibly frustrating triptych piece that has been yo-yoing me from happy to livid every time I look at it. But I refuse to give up. I have spent entirely way too long on it already. I must finish. And soon.. I'm implementing a new system for myself. I'm hoping it will bring my art production way up. I need to be completing works much faster than I have been. I let myself get too easily frustrated. And I start things when I have no reason to. I just want to do something different. So consequently I'll have five pieces at varying levels of completion, and only one or two done. I will feel slightly productive for having so much done.. but at the same time it's hollow because it's the finished piece that I really get proud of.

Anyway, enough boring artist ramblings... I should actually go be productive now.

PS.. you guys knew I finally got glasses right?

Have a great day! Next time I check in I'll be 20!!

Loving This Weather!

2011-02-10T18:31:00.000-08:00

I feel like it's summer. And I couldn't be happier! The air is amazing, the birds are cuter, the trees look bigger, the water looks clearer, this weather actually makes Bremerton seem like a quaint suburban happy place instead of the normal dingy ghettoness that is my town.

I got up and enjoyed most of the sun today. I had a meeting this morning that seemed to go great! So I celebrated by taking My Love to the park so he could frolic and play.

Hope you enjoyed the weather!

What A Day

2011-02-09T22:21:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning with no plans at all today. Then...

*I had an impromptu job interview*

*We got a new fish*

*And we took Dime to the beach*

Lots more happened today, but those were my highlights. Things seems to be coming together, hopefully. I should know about the job by Saturday. Which is my birthday! Sunday is Copper Day and I start watching Wendy's kids on Monday.

The other cool thing... I'm starting to seriously look into places to show my art. I've been talking to the people at Finger's Duke and other local gallery spaces. Jeff shouldn't be the only one going after what he wants. My problem is I want so much! I want to be an artist, a volunteer, a crafter, an entrepreneur, a blogger... But I'm trying to feed all my growing passions. I applied at The Arc to be Support Staff (I should also know more about that next week), and I really hope I get it. There is so much I care about and have a real interest in.

So not much to do now but wait and paint. I'm staying hopeful. After all, I had my lucky perfume on.

Better Late Than Never

2011-02-08T23:52:00.000-08:00

I know I have been majorly AWOL lately. I've been busy with a lot of nothing it feels like.

But I'm here now. So I thought I would make it up to you with a lot of pictures.

I was wandering around my apartment with my camera when the aquarium caught my eye. I have myself a beautifully lit captive model right here in my living room...

Three in fact. Although one of them would not hold still.

I finally managed to get a good shot of him.

I don't know why I never thought of this before.

Once I got bored of the fish I realized the aquarium its self is actually really interesting.

You'd never know this was some mundane fish tank. I wonder what else I have in my apartment that needs to be photographed with my macro setting.

PS I have a new painting up on my Art Page, check it out.

The Productivity Level Is Rising

2011-01-31T15:31:00.000-08:00

Feeling oddly productive today despite my truly excruciating headache. I'm hoping another cup of - this time much grosser - coffee will make it go away. I had the best cup of coffee this morning. Sadly this cheap imitation medium roast is just nasty in comparison. But hopefully after coffee, crackers, and some Excedrin my body will match my mood.

I'm excited because I finally have everything I need for one of my photo projects. And Cody is in route to help. Last night I played around with my frosted glass testing lighting with my point n shoot. I'm still not quite using this camera to it's full potential I think. But I'm working on it. I refuse to believe you need an out of this world expensive camera to take compelling pictures.

I need to start another painting today. I don't have anything in progress, which is odd for me. But finally I have everything I need at the moment.

I hope I have something spectacular to show you tomorrow.

Belated

2011-01-31T01:15:00.000-08:00

I've been away for a while, but I have lots of random pictures to share. I hope everyone's weekend went well. Mine has been quite great. I had my long awaited eye exam, and it was my amazing sister's birthday on Saturday. I helped Robin move out of my sister's place this morning then relaxed the rest of the day away with the boys. Copper was extra cute.

Dime wasn't without his fun this weekend either. He got his very last Christmas treat out of his stocking. We saved the cutest for last...

I acquired some painting supplies from Dad this weekend and hopefully I'll have many many new paintings to share soon. For now I have been experimenting with painting on wood.

I have a smaller one that I didn't photograph, but I'll try to do it sometime soon. I gave it to my sister for her birthday.

Sorry my posts have been so straightforward, and not as insightful as I usually try to make them. My mind has been so... just elsewhere... these past few weeks. I really wanted this year to be different, but it's still as hard as usual. I'm trying harder and everything seems to be getting harder right along with me. The moment I feel hopeful reality tugs on my lobe and reminds me it bites... hard. The resolution I made to stay adamant is slowly turning into just forced actions again with no real belief behind them. Self doubt, second guessing, and mixed feelings are creeping up on me and getting harder and harder to fight back.

This took a turn, but I really did have a good weekend, full of laughter, singing, dancing, and new beginnings. Have a great year Erica! And make the most of this awesome new experience Robin. Take advantage of all your new free time Cody. And Andie, you should make my old room your workout room. Either way have fun living alone again!

Gnight.

Post# 101

2011-01-27T16:49:00.000-08:00

Yes, This is my hundred and first blog post. I knew it was the hundredth yesterday, I just didn't want to say it. It's kind of embarrassing to me, I have had this blog since 09 and I am just now reaching triple digits. And my followers haven't even hit the doubles yet. Oddly enough I am only really upset about my lack of posting. I would like tons of people to read my thoughts and see what I am up to, but it's ok that it's mostly just my friends and family. The release is more selfish anyway. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings to share and rather than just constantly blathering on and on to those around me I have this blog.

So new or old to the Trunk, here are some of my favorite pictures from here.

If you guys are wondering why I have been avoiding putting up anything new, it's only because the things I have been photographing lately can't be shown till after Saturday. So here's a new picture of me and my favorite boy.

LOL... and even this is a little old... new stuff soon I promise.

From Back In The Day

2011-01-26T18:12:00.000-08:00

for the past month or so I have been diligently organizing all the pictures I upload in Bridge right after I edit them which usually is right after I upload them. But that doesn't fix the thousands of pictures I have so carelessly littered in the most absurdly random folders on my computer in the past. So for the past three weeks or so I have been exploring the seemingly endless file trails on my computer. And I have come to the conclusion either I have been terribly retarded when I am uploading, or something is seriously wrong with my computer. I found lost picture folders from years ago in many driver files. And I keep stumbling across lone pictures stuck in music or video folders.

But all in all I am enjoying finding all my old pictures. And what tickles me even more is comparing them to my most recent ones. Not only have I improved by leaps and bounds, but it's actually quite easy to see that, because I am still shooting the same stuff. That little fact is delighting me and making me sad at the same time. I like that I can look at my pictures that are years apart but virtually almost the same shot, just maybe a little straighter or in focus. My interests and what I am naturally attracted to hasn't changed. I just know how to show it to you guys better. That part that makes me a bit sad is I lack progress. I want to branch out and explore more beauty in my life. I need to show you guys more than Seattle and my backyard and my pets. I started this blog to share everything I love with the world, and there is much more to me than those things. I love my life everyday, I love the silly little mundaneness's that usually get over looked in a day and I love the huge sweeping gestures that get remembered for years to come.

Here are some old found gems.

Expressions Of Love

2011-01-25T21:26:00.000-08:00

What do you love?

Keep On Keepin' On

2011-01-25T18:04:00.000-08:00

I hate how fast time goes by when I'm enjoying myself. What is something you enjoy? I enjoy people who can't spell enjoy... LOL.

Anyways the last few days have gone by too quickly. Cody, Robin, and I went on an epic adventure to the beach Saturday night and I found a hubcap. I'm going to paint it like a sun and show you guys soon. It was more like an epic walk with Dime leading the way. I have walked him to that beach so many times before he led us right to it after we had explored the massive school/compound by my apt. There was much bonding after that super walk with the group.

Sunday I went home with Mom and Dad to Kingston for family day, some butt grabbing, and chill time with Poulsbo friends. But I managed to get some art done. I finished the box and sold it. Yay! Another thing to cross off my list.

So with some extra money it was easier to play around in Seattle yesterday. The perpetual drizzling and late start only saddened me till I got to the city and realized with everything being slippery and reflective the beautiful city lights simply multiplied.

Hope everyone had as great of a weekend as I did.

Quick Dry

2011-01-21T04:13:00.000-08:00

So here's the mess I started with -

Gotta love St Vinny's. You can get a ton of "junk" wax for cheap.

I don't know what it is abut destroying things... but it's my guilty pleasure. Always has been. I am the messiest, OCD-iest, picker I have ever met. I like to call it "destruction therapy" but sometimes it's just me making a mess.

But my messes usually turn out beautiful.

Stuck In The Middle

2011-01-21T03:37:00.000-08:00

I've been busy.. as usual. Job apps, Cody, Robin, candles, dubstep, errands, more job apps... But I have been painting. I have more of the box finished.

Now all that's left is the back. I already know exactly what it's going to look like I just need to sit down and do it. I took a break from painting and made candles today after I ran errands with Cody and Robin. I might have gone a little overboard... But it was relaxing. After all the rejection and internal pep talks to keep searching it's getting hard to stay focussed and positive. I needed a change of pace.

I'll show you guys some of the wax goodness later after it's all dry.

Gnight.

Make Your Own Family

2011-01-16T12:33:00.000-08:00

I know I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for my friends. They make me crazy and happy, they keep me focused and distract me at the same time. They listen, explore, intrude, adventure and lounge with me in the best and worst of times.

We all need people in our lives that know how to keep us happy and healthy. People who don't make you hide behind masks and accept all the silly errors that usually corrupt shallow relationships. People that enjoy you, and that you can't live without.

New Growth

2011-01-15T18:54:00.000-08:00

I'm excited for spring. Thing's are moving slower than I had hoped for me but I am holding onto my New Year's spirit. I'm staying positive. Spring will bring new opportunities. New choices, forming new habits, hopefully lots of new pictures will emerge...

Winter brought a lot of great things for me. I love my life.

Today's Lesson

2011-01-13T23:01:00.000-08:00

Was supposed to be about the art of Abstract. But even when forced my abstractions are quite... literal. Closest I get to logical I guess.

I got some applications today. And I have plans to go back to a few places... business's are making you apply 100% in store now. You have to fill it out there. You can't leave with it. So... yeah... that's what's new with the job hunt. Exciting stuff guys.

Anyways, it was my fifth consecutive day seeing Cody. Lol... might be a new record for us since I moved 40 minutes away from him. But I have the day to myself tomorrow. Which is good... I need to get cracking on something for Robin.

I've had my coffee today and I've added new things to my todo list. Like finish filling out my Forest Ridge app and clean the bathroom.

Listography

2011-01-13T03:28:00.000-08:00

Seems to be my lifestyle. I don't know how to keep track of everything otherwise.

I need to paint something for Robin.
Get my booty to the mall and apply at piercing pagoda (they're HIRING eeee....)
Actually start this multimedia piece and stop just talking about it.
Read the book Cody bought me... It's about an elephant!!
Stop chewing my nails. "STOP IT TINA!!"
Give Erica that gift card.
Get Devon to my place.
Get a better organizational method with all my art stuff.

If you want to see a list of my current and upcoming art projects since I'm not being the best photographer is on my art page.

I'm pretty mentally restless right now. I've been watching a lot of vlogs lately and Cody and I have been actually using my Flip, which is great. I fought so hard to get it. I need to actually use it. I don't think any of those videos will be seen here, but probably on his site. Kona & Toady have a lot to say. Lol. The more I watch stuff like Shaytards the more I feel like I could do stuff like that. My friends and family are interesting enough and absolutely enthusiastic enough to have web presence.

Also you should read this article about creativity and being productive. I found it really interesting.

I think I'll go to sleep now.

See ya tomorrow

Sorry

2011-01-13T02:32:00.000-08:00

I know I've been a total flake lately here. But in my defense, Cody got home Sunday and I have been in a (mostly) happy daze since then. I spent Sunday and Monday catching up with friends and enjoying the bipolar Washington weather.

Tuesday was Tron day in Tukwila with the Best Group Ever. And I finally went home, but I still seemed to be buzzing with excitement and restlessness, because I couldn't get myself to sit down and pull up the ol' blog. So here I am in the wee hours of Thursday morning finally logging back on.

I know I promised pictures of the surprise I had for Cody, but I have yet to photograph it. It didn't get finished till right before he got home, and I was - like always - rushed and unprepared. I'm happy with it though. I will show you guys... eventually. Just know - he liked it. I guess that makes it worse, huh? Sorry.

Anyways... I have a lot going on. A lot in my head right now. Good time to take up journaling again, I guess. I think I need it, or something like that. I'm running out of nooks and crannies in my mind to stash these random story and picture ideas, project visions, poem lyrics, molded wax wonderments, and ponders about he said she said drama. I feel like I might explode soon and it's causing my already low tolerance for productivity to halt altogether.

I'm definitely going back to caffeine tomorrow.

Today's Experiment:

Hypothesis: I could handle a day without my cup a joe

Conclusion: FAIL

Wishy/Washy

2011-01-09T03:06:00.000-08:00

So Cody gets back today. I'm so happy. I've really missed my friend.

I've really missed a lot of people.

Oops...

2011-01-08T01:54:00.000-08:00

Sorry guys, I missed a day. I was taking a break from art to fill out job applications. And before I knew it Friday had slipped through my fingers. But Saturday morning should be good enough. Even though... I'm going to let you down once again. But try not to think of it that way... Instead of an art update, I thought I would give a dime update.

The holidays treated him well. He not only got to see his two best friends for Christmas, but he also played with a girl. He soaked himself in muddy marsh water and got to jump on a party of people. And now he has a whole new selection of toys and blankets to play with.

Don't worry I'm still working... I just can't put up any pictures for a day or so. The project I happen to be working on right now is a surprise for someone that reads this blog. But once all is said and done I'll have lots of pictures to show.

As Promised

2011-01-06T00:16:00.000-08:00

The painting I was referring to the other day. The one that wouldn't upload correctly. Well here it is.

Refresh

2011-01-05T17:26:00.000-08:00

Not feeling very talkative today. But it's not out of any negative attitude, I'm just relaxed today. Not feeling rushed or stressed. I had my usual caffeine buzz for a while earlier but now I just feel calm.

I need to start another piece. I'm going to do something smaller this time. With a purple border... that's as far as I have gotten. Lol... my process is a bit dysfunctional.

Hope your day is good.

Amidst My Edits

2011-01-04T23:56:00.000-08:00

As you can see I have been doing some much needed updating, revising and organizing with the blog. I hope you like. I do. But in all that frustrating applying and refreshing and previewing I realized it's almost midnight and I haven't posted a picture. So here...

I know it's not what I was going to originally post. But I couldn't get that picture to work so I'll post it with my other piece tomorrow. This is just something fun I was playing with the other night. When I have no one to photograph but a hyper active dog and a normally unwilling boyfriend, inanimate objects fall victim to the assault of my lens.

See you tomorrow.

In The Clear

2011-01-03T14:15:00.000-08:00

So I have been feeling better for a little while now. It makes me hopeful that it's not just the newness of fresh relationships, it is actually me keeping my spirits up. I don't feel as argumentative and resentful towards life and it's becoming so much easier to get things done.
I still have a long way to go on my personal goal list, even for this month. But I am on a track at least. That's more than my previous bad habit of aimlessly wandering through my life not caring where I'm headed.

So I guess I'll just keep doing what I have been doing... but harder, better and, faster. lol...

But seriously. Life's good again. Thanks for holding fast my friends.

Before the Day is Done

2011-01-02T23:23:00.000-08:00

Sorry it's so late. I'll be better prepared tomorrow.

Also... sorry for the lackluster pic. My phone can only do so much.

See you tomorrow, when I wont be so busy.

Happy New Year Everyone!

2011-01-01T22:03:00.000-08:00

I hope you stick around to see what I have in store for you this year. It's going to be amazing.

- First painting of the New Year!

God Dime It All

2010-12-03T17:25:00.000-08:00

It all seemed so much easier from the outside looking in. Isn't it always though? I could see every mistake, every misunderstanding and sloppy miscommunication. But now that I'm in here I'm just as lost. Constantly stuck in my head. Which, let me tell you, is a very suffocating place to be. Full of deep forests hiding creatures of self doubt and self sabotage. And long winding paths paved with angst and contempt, leading to a gritty beach on my own personal ocean of lies. Sounds dramatic, but the world I've cultivated in my head is as old as I am. It's hard to change how you think when this is how you have done it your whole life.

I need to stop forgetting I bring my own unique kind of crazy to the party. So nothing that looks perfect on the outside actually is once I let my beasts get a hold of it.

Sorry... that made complete sense in my head.

Dime Scene Investigation

2010-12-03T13:54:00.000-08:00

Detective Dime Duwowski... Laying down on the job.

Well Dime seems to be back to his chipper self. Although a vet visit may still be in his future. But he'll take it in stride. He always does. Something I should try to learn from.
The littlest things throw me completely out of sync. I have yet to master the art of letting anything roll off my back - big or small. I'm defensive and stubborn and highly volatile when change occurs. I'm unstable at best in times of stress yet I seem to thrive off it. When my life lulls to a mellow dull my mind races at break-neck speed. Like my brain just wont allow the calm to overcome me. I begin to create the chaos I claim to hate.

So which is it? Do I need drama or do I despise it? Is stress good for me or am I just following what is normal to me? Why can't I just accept placidity instead of always firing up the propeller that I call my subconscious to tear to shreds the delicate surface tension?

I wish I could be Dime for a day.

Dime Is Running Out

2010-12-02T21:12:00.000-08:00

Yeah, Dime's a little under the weather. Makes my maternal instincts kick in. No one likes to see the one they love suffering. Especially when that one is not able to take proper care of themselves on their own. But I have to admit, seeing him like this makes me just admire him more. He still looks at me like he would move mountains just to have me scratch above his tail, or learn to fly if it just meant I would let him sprawl out in front of the heater. Those simple pleasures that make up his day. Nothing taints those things. He won't let that happen. Those are his sacred things.

I don't know what I have that I hold above all else. The thing I leave unmarked by bad attitudes and misjudgment. Do I even have something? I feel like I should. Like it is unhealthy to be lacking there.

Leave it to Dime to point out one more flaw in this crumbling facade.

A Dime For Your Thoughts

2010-11-30T23:19:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder if he is really aware of everything I say to him. If somewhere in there he is picking up on my true meanings even though the words are utterly foreign. The way he responds to my tears and laughter, it's impossible to believe he can't feel what I am feeling. I just wish he could solve my problems. Sometimes I feel like he has all the answers locked in those deep brown eyes. How I can get back on track, how to make my life even a little recognizable again. Then he frolics away and returns with a scrap of a well loved toy that's seen much better days and the glimpse of wisdom is replaced with the unmistakable twinkle of playfulness. My problems and worries successfully swept aside by his constant need for pleasure.

That is something him and I share.

A Dime A Day To Keep The Dull Away

2010-11-29T16:42:00.000-08:00

Maybe not everyday.. but I need something to revive my soul here. And there's not much else that gets my soul singing like my Dimey.

Also... if you haven't played Tetris on a while. Go do that. It will brighten your day.

Insomnia

2010-10-27T05:12:00.000-07:00

Maybe it is lack of sleep that is keeping my spirits down. Or it could be the multitude of reasons why I keep putting off the inevitable. Whatever the case may be, I find myself feeling quite morose, weary, and oddly enough - wide awake at 5am. So to all those out there with a racing mind and an untouched bed... I feel ya'!

I don't know what has been agitating me so much lately. But I am beginning to feel completely apathetic towards almost everything in my life. Gathering together this string of words and sentences is even taxing on me. Yet I still feel the need to put something out there lest I shrivel away to a meaningless nothingness before your very eyes.

So here is a picture I took back when I still had vigor and vitality coursing through my young veins:

Hey.. it's Friday

2010-10-22T19:34:00.000-07:00

Long Overdue

2010-10-16T09:52:00.000-07:00

I'm back in black. Not yet with the same gusto... but slowly working on it.

When Will I Ever Learn?

2010-06-12T11:22:00.000-07:00

Starting anew again.

Hopefully this time it'll be different. New behavior brings new results.

Cause I'm really too young to be feeling this old.

...It's far from over.

Free My Mind At Night

2010-03-24T03:33:00.000-07:00

"Are you asleep?"
"...No"
"I can't sleep... I napped all day."
"...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

Oh the joys of newness, when shit like that is still cute.
lol

Resonate: to relate harmoniously

2010-03-04T10:39:00.000-08:00

Butler's story is about a person in a stagnate relationship trying so hard to be heard and loved. The relationship went on too long. The husband should have taken the cues in the beginning of the end, when his wife was looking away and they were drifting apart. He would have saved himself a lot of heartache.
I haven't decided whether or not it was needed or not, for him to heal. The husband did not want to let his love go. He, perhaps, needed that last encounter to show him nothing was ever going to change and he should have let things fly away a long time ago.
Either way it is beautifully articulated by his brave suicide.That emerald parrot with a yellow nape showed no cowardice as he took control of his fate. I respect the jealous husband. Even though he still loved her, still wanted her, still felt a need for her and knew there was a great barrier between him and the rest of his life, he flew. He had the self respect to choose the unknown over succumbing to a state of complacency that negates healthy and proper communication.

Robert Olen Butler

2010-02-24T16:24:00.000-08:00

I never can quite say as much as I know. I look at other parrots and I wonder if it's the same for them, if somebody is trapped in each of them paying some kind of price for living their life in a certain way. For instance, "Hello," I say, and I'm sitting on a perch in a pet store in Houston and what I'm really thinking is Holy shit. It's you. And what's happened is I'm looking at my wife.

"Hello," she says, and she comes over to me and I can't believe how beautiful she is. Those great brown eyes, almost as dark as the center of mine. And her nose--I don't remember her for her nose but its beauty is clear to me now. Her nose is a little too long, but it's redeemed by the faint hook to it.

She scratches the back of my neck.

Her touch makes my tail flare. I feel the stretch and rustle of me back there. I bend my head to her and she whispers, "Pretty bird."

For a moment I think she knows it's me. But she doesn't, of course. I say "Hello" again and I will eventually pick up "pretty bird." I can tell that as soon as she says it, but for now I can only give her another hello. Her fingertips move through my feathers and she seems to know about birds. She knows that to pet a bird you don't smooth his feathers down, you ruffle them.

But of course she did that in my human life, as well. It's all the same for her. Not that I was complaining, even to myself, at that moment in the pet shop when she found me like I presume she was supposed to. She said it again, "Pretty bird," and this brain that works like it does now could feel that tiny little voice of mine ready to shape itself around these sounds. But before I could get them out of my beak there was this guy at my wife's shoulder and all my feathers went slick flat like to make me small enough not to be seen and I backed away. The pupils of my eyes pinned and dilated and pinned again.

He circled around her. A guy that looked like a meat packer, big in the chest and thick with hair, the kind of guy that I always sensed her eyes moving to when I was alive. I had a bare chest and I'd look for little black hairs on the sheets when I'd come home on a day with the whiff of somebody else in the air. She was still in the same goddam rut.

A “hello” wouldn't do and I'd recently learned “good night” but it was the wrong suggestion altogether, so I said nothing and the guy circled her and he was looking at me with a smug little smile and I fluffed up all my feathers, made myself about twice as big, so big he'd see he couldn't mess with me. I waited for him to draw close enough for me to take off the tip of his finger.

But she intervened. Those nut-brown eyes were before me and she said, "I want him."

And that's how I ended up in my own house once again. She bought me a large black wrought-iron cage, very large, convinced by some young guy who clerked in the bird department and who took her aside and made his voice go much too soft when he was doing the selling job. The meat packer didn't like it. I didn't either. I'd missed a lot of chances to take a bite out of this clerk in my stay at the shop and I regretted that suddenly.

But I got my giant cage and I guess I'm happy enough about that. I can pace as much as I want. I can hang upside down. It's full of bird toys. That dangling thing over there with knots and strips of rawhide and a bell at the bottom needs a good thrashing a couple of times a day and I'm the bird to do it. I look at the very dangle of it and the thing is rough, the rawhide and the knotted rope, and I get this restlessness back in my tail, a burning thrashing feeling, and it's like all the times when I was sure there was a man naked with my wife. Then I go to this thing that feels so familiar and I bite and bite and it's very good.

I could have used the thing the last day I went out of this house as a man. I'd found the address of the new guy at my wife's office. He'd been there a month in the shipping department and three times she'd mentioned him. She didn't even have to work with him and three times I heard about him, just dropped into the conversation. "Oh," she'd say when a car commercial came on the television, "that car there is like the one the new man in shipping owns. Just like it." Hey, I'm not stupid. She said another thing about him and then another and right after the third one I locked myself in the bathroom because I couldn't rage about this anymore. I felt like a damn fool whenever I actually said anything about this kind of feeling and she looked at me like she could start hating me real easy and so I was working on saying nothing, even if it meant locking myself up. My goal was to hold my tongue about half the time. That would be a good start.

But this guy from shipping. I found out his name and his address and it was one of her typical Saturday afternoons of vague shopping. So I went to his house, and his car that was just like the commercial was outside. Nobody was around in the neighborhood and there was this big tree in the back of the house going up to a second floor window that was making funny little sounds. I went up. The shade was drawn but not quite all the way. I was holding on to a limb with arms and legs wrapped around it like it was her in those times when I could forget the others for a little while. But the crack in the shade was just out of view and I crawled on along till there was no limb left and I fell on my head. Thinking about that now, my wings flap and I feel myself lift up and it all seems so avoidable. Though I know I'm different now. I'm a bird.

Except I'm not. That's what's confusing. It's like those times when she would tell me she loved me and I actually believed her and maybe it was true and we clung to each other in bed and at times like that I was different. I was the man in her life. I was whole with her. Except even at that moment, holding her sweetly, there was this other creature inside me who knew a lot more about it and couldn't quite put all the evidence together to speak.

My cage sits in the den. My pool table is gone and the cage is sitting in that space and if I come all the way down to one end of my perch I can see through the door and down the back hallway to the master bedroom. When she keeps the bedroom door open I can see the space at the foot of the bed but not the bed itself. That I can sense to the left, just out of sight. I watch the men go in and I hear the sounds but I can't quite see. And they drive me crazy.

I flap my wings and I squawk and I fluff up and I slick down and I throw seed and I attack that dangly toy as if it was the guy's balls, but it does no good. It never did any good in the other life either, the thrashing around I did by myself. In that other life I'd have given anything to be standing in this den with her doing this thing with some other guy just down the hall and all I had to do was walk down there and turn the corner and she couldn't deny it any more.

But now all I can do is try to let it go. I sidestep down to the opposite end of the cage and I look out the big sliding glass doors to the back yard. It's a pretty yard. There are great placid maple trees with good places to roost. There's a blue sky that plucks at the feathers on my chest. There are clouds. Other birds. Fly away. I could just fly away.

I tried once and I learned a lesson. She forgot and left the door to my cage open and I climbed beak and foot, beak and foot, along the bars and curled around to stretch sideways out the door and the vast scene of peace was there at the other end of the room. I flew.

And a pain flared through my head and I fell straight down and the room whirled around and the only good thing was she held me. She put her hands under my wings and lifted me and clutched me to her breast and I wish there hadn't been bees in my head at the time so I could have enjoyed that, but she put me back in the cage and wept awhile. That touched me, her tears. And I looked back to the wall of sky and trees. There was something invisible there between me and that dream of peace. I remembered, eventually, about glass, and I knew I'd been lucky, I knew that for the little fragile-boned skull I was doing all this thinking in, it meant death.

She wept that day but by the night she had another man. A guy with a thick Georgia truck-stop accent and pale white skin and an Adam's apple big as my seed ball. This guy has been around for a few weeks and he makes a whooping sound down the hallway, just out of my sight. At times like that I want to fly against the bars of the cage, but I don't. I have to remember how the world has changed.

She's single now, of course. Her husband, the man that I was, is dead to her. She does not understand all that is behind my "hello." I know many words, for a parrot. I am a yellow-nape Amazon, a handsome bird, I think, green with a splash of yellow at the back of my neck. I talk pretty well, but none of my words are adequate. I can't make her understand.

And what would I say if I could? I was jealous in life. I admit it. I would admit it to her. But it was because of my connection to her. I would explain that. When we held each other, I had no past at all, no present but her body, no future but to lie there and not let her go. I was an egg hatched beneath her crouching body, I entered as a chick into her wet sky of a body, and all that I wished was to sit on her shoulder and fluff my feathers and lay my head against her cheek, my neck exposed to her hand. And so the glances that I could see in her troubled me deeply, the movement of her eyes in public to other men, the laughs sent across a room, the tracking of her mind behind her blank eyes, pursuing images of others, her distraction even in our bed, the ghosts that were there of men who'd touched her, perhaps even that very day. I was not part of all those other men who were part of her. I didn't want to connect to all that. It was only her that I would fluff for but these others were there also and I couldn't put them aside. I sensed them inside her and so they were inside me. If I had the words, these are the things I would say.

But half an hour ago there was a moment that thrilled me. A word, a word we all knew in the pet shop, was just the right word after all. This guy with his cowboy belt buckle and rattlesnake boots and his pasty face and his twanging words of love trailed after my wife through the den, past my cage, and I said, "Cracker." He even flipped his head back a little at this in surprise. He'd been called that before to his face, I realized. I said it again, "Cracker." But to him I was a bird and he let it pass. "Cracker," I said. "Hello, cracker." That was even better. They were out of sight through the hall doorway and I hustled along the perch and I caught a glimpse of them before they made the turn to the bed and I said, "Hello, cracker," and he shot me one last glance.

It made me hopeful. I eased away from that end of the cage, moved toward the scene of peace beyond the far wall. The sky is chalky blue today, blue like the brow of the blue-front Amazon who was on the perch next to me for about a week at the store. She was very sweet, but I watched her carefully for a day or two when she first came in. And it wasn't long before she nuzzled up to a cockatoo named Gordo and I knew she'd break my heart. But her color now in the sky is sweet, really. I left all those feelings behind me when my wife showed up. I am a faithful man, for all my suspicions. Too faithful, maybe. I am ready to give too much and maybe that's the problem.

The whooping began down the hall and I focussed on a tree out there. A crow flapped down, his mouth open, his throat throbbing, though I could not hear his sound. I was feeling very odd. At least I'd made my point to the guy in the other room. "Pretty bird," I said, referring to myself. She called me “pretty bird” and I believed her and I told myself again, "Pretty bird."

But then something new happened, something very difficult for me. She appeared in the den naked. I have not seen her naked since I fell from the tree and had no wings to fly. She always had a certain tidiness in things. She was naked in the bedroom, clothed in the den. But now she appears from the hallway and I look at her and she is still slim and she is beautiful, I think--at least I clearly remember that as her husband I found her beautiful in this state. Now, though, she seems too naked. Plucked. I find that a sad thing. I am sorry for her and she goes by me and she disappears into the kitchen. I want to pluck some of my own feathers, the feathers from my chest, and give them to her. I love her more in that moment, seeing her terrible nakedness, than I ever have before.

And since I've had success in the last few minutes with words, when she comes back I am moved to speak. "Hello," I say, meaning, You are still connected to me, I still want only you. "Hello," I say again. Please listen to this tiny heart that beats fast at all times for you.

And she does indeed stop and she comes to me and bends to me. "Pretty bird," I say and I am saying, You are beautiful, my wife, and your beauty cries out for protection. "Pretty." I want to cover you with my own nakedness. "Bad bird," I say. If there are others in your life, even in your mind, then there is nothing I can do. "Bad." Your nakedness is touched from inside by the others. "Open," I say. How can we be whole together if you are not empty in the place that I am to fill?

She smiles at this and she opens the door to my cage. "Up," I say, meaning, Is there no place for me in this world where I can be free of this terrible sense of others?

She reaches in now and offers her hand and I climb onto it and I tremble and she says, "Poor baby."

"Poor baby," I say. You have yearned for wholeness too and somehow I failed you. I was not enough. "Bad bird," I say. I'm sorry.

And then the cracker comes around the corner. He wears only his rattlesnake boots. I take one look at his miserable, featherless body and shake my head. We keep our sexual parts hidden, we parrots, and this man is a pitiful sight. "Peanut," I say. I presume that my wife simply has not noticed. But that's foolish, of course. This is, in fact, what she wants. Not me. And she scrapes me off her hand onto the open cage door and she turns her naked back to me and embraces this man and they laugh and stagger in their embrace around the corner.

For a moment I still think I've been eloquent. What I've said only needs repeating for it to have its transforming effect. "Hello," I say. "Hello. Pretty bird. Pretty. Bad bird. Bad. Open. Up. Poor baby. Bad bird." And I am beginning to hear myself as I really sound to her. "Peanut." I can never say what is in my heart to her. Never.

I stand on my cage door now and my wings stir. I look at the corner to the hallway and down at the end the whooping has begun again. I can fly there and think of things to do about all this.

But I do not. I turn instead and I look at the trees moving just beyond the other end of the room. I look at the sky the color of the brow of a blue-front Amazon. A shadow of birds spanks across the lawn. And I spread my wings. I will fly now. Even though I know there is something between me and that place where I can be free of all these feelings, I will fly. I will throw myself there again and again. Pretty bird. Bad bird. Good night.

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